A year is gonna end soon.
I'm still doing the same old stuff.
Staying home, locked up, doing work, alone.
Not everybody does that.
Most of them are probably strutting around malls and drinking beer and waiting for countdown.
No I don't do that.
I've been doing the same things all my life.
Nobody is trying to change that of Me.
If that somebody is here.
I'm alone.
At least I have Facebook. (:
There are four situations which I want to happen today.
But no it's not gonna happen.
If I was in Russia.
I'll find my best buddy. Drag him out into the cold winter. We'll have fun together all day long. I'll go sightseeing with him. Go at a bar and just hang out, waiting for countdown, admiring the fireworks, and just forget about reality. Just the two of us.
But it's not gonna happen.
If I was with my best friend.
I would dress her up and bring her to a bar and have fun dancing together. We would go window shopping all day long, we would go to anime shops and just laugh at their ridiculous stocks.We'll hang around and talk a lot about things that happened to us throughtout the year. We would cosplay at night as Kagamine twins and go to KL for an amazing countdown. Taking pictures. Just the two of us.
But that's not gonna happen.
If I was with my real boyfriend.
I would call him in the morning. Wish him a really nice day, and appear on his doorstep ready to spend the while day with him, I'll call his workplace and tell his boss he won't be coming today. I'll walk with him in the mall, just laughing and talking, eating lunch and being funny, taking special moments together. And wait for night to fall. And then we go to a bar and dance together and have fun. We'll wait for countdown together, and we'll hug and kiss under the fireworks. Takes a picture*. Just the two of us.
But that's not gonna happen.
If I was gonna spend the last day of the year now with my ex.
I'd say, " no, i'm spending the whole day with someone who actually loves me back, and I'm busy making chocolates for him today, so have a happy new year with someone else that does the same to you.
Bye"
This is happening. (;
Hey people =). Imma girl and Imma 16 =). Imma studying in an awesome school =). Imma very very....difficult girl. If you don't wanna know about it. You can go away =).
Monday, December 31, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
A week
It's just a week before school starts.
When did the holidays go to?
And Christmas??
A year gone.
I just realized someone just pressed the fast forward button.
I've wasted a year.
It's like I'm still 16...
When did the holidays go to?
And Christmas??
A year gone.
I just realized someone just pressed the fast forward button.
I've wasted a year.
It's like I'm still 16...
Friday, December 14, 2012
Dreams
I have this most awesome dream ever :D
I was dreaming about Jonathan XD
Again.
Not all my dreams are about him mind you :O some were fun and exciting XD and some were horror dreams and killing.
But forget about that.
I'm not sure whether this is lucid dreaming.
But I felt him in my dream.
I held his arm to sleep.
It was literally warm.
I can feel his very skin.
His warmth.
His muscles.
It was so soothing.
And very gentle and peaceful.
I melted to sleep for hours later after that.
I couldn't forget it.
Cause it seemed so real.
Like he was there.
Maybe, it was just my guardian angel.
That feels like him.
But it's a really nice dream.
I'm never forgetting that anytime soon.
<3
I was dreaming about Jonathan XD
Again.
Not all my dreams are about him mind you :O some were fun and exciting XD and some were horror dreams and killing.
But forget about that.
I'm not sure whether this is lucid dreaming.
But I felt him in my dream.
I held his arm to sleep.
It was literally warm.
I can feel his very skin.
His warmth.
His muscles.
It was so soothing.
And very gentle and peaceful.
I melted to sleep for hours later after that.
I couldn't forget it.
Cause it seemed so real.
Like he was there.
Maybe, it was just my guardian angel.
That feels like him.
But it's a really nice dream.
I'm never forgetting that anytime soon.
<3
Thursday, December 06, 2012
News.
Everyday.
In every part of the world.
There's more than a thousand people dying.
Some from uncertain reasons.
Some from suicide.
Some from being starved.
Some from being killed. Shot. Burned.
There it is on the news.
Everyday. Everytime I read the papers.
Some one was robbed.
Someone was shot.
Someone was stabbed.
Someone was raped.
Someone had suicide.
They are all dying.
Some are innocent.
There is bloodshed everyday. No doubt.
They kill.
Without mercy.
For themselves to have a better life living on someone else's money.
it's devastating how sinful the human rave has become.
It's just sad...
Where did the superheroes go?
The good ones that saves, where are they? /:
Live for tomorrow.
Live for God.
Faith. Trust. Goodness. Righteous. Justice
I like the good guys.
They always live :)
In every part of the world.
There's more than a thousand people dying.
Some from uncertain reasons.
Some from suicide.
Some from being starved.
Some from being killed. Shot. Burned.
There it is on the news.
Everyday. Everytime I read the papers.
Some one was robbed.
Someone was shot.
Someone was stabbed.
Someone was raped.
Someone had suicide.
They are all dying.
Some are innocent.
There is bloodshed everyday. No doubt.
They kill.
Without mercy.
For themselves to have a better life living on someone else's money.
it's devastating how sinful the human rave has become.
It's just sad...
Where did the superheroes go?
The good ones that saves, where are they? /:
Live for tomorrow.
Live for God.
Faith. Trust. Goodness. Righteous. Justice
I like the good guys.
They always live :)
Sunday, December 02, 2012
A new month.
Well, it's December.
It came without me realizing it..
Many good and neutral and bad things happened.
I'm glad good and neutral was better than bad. :)
The good things are parties and a really good book I recently bought <3
I went to two of my friends birthday parties :D it was so fun and both of them I get to eat a lot of things XD
Australian beef..... x3
Pastries and peach cobble XD
And strawberry salad XD
It's awesome food is awesome.
Now the book is a really good chocolate book written by a British award winning chocolate chef XD
It's a really awesome book.
I can never get to read another Harry potter book again until next next year XD
The neutral things are....
Hmm....
I get to finish my works and the works entrusted to me by others.
I got to do the Christmas project for Jonathan's church :D
But I guess he has no idea that's me who did the main prop. /:
Oh well, and I get to do an advertisement for Bumblebee music centre.
It required me a half day.
And I didn't take any breaks in between the computer. :(
I'm glad I finished it in the end. :)
Maybe imma going to get paid ^^
I don't expect that but yea, my mum won't be happy to hear I'm not being paid to do that and I'm helping them to earn thousands.
Bad things are the usual stuff.
Best not talk about them since many good things have happened :D
Especially Jonathan.
Not losing faith was the best choice afterall. :)
I'm experimenting on chocolate flavours during Christmas.
And expending my choice of tastes.
So my customers has more choices.
More choices means more sales.
More sales means more to charity :)
I have a feeling that it's gonna be an awesome Christmas. <3
It came without me realizing it..
Many good and neutral and bad things happened.
I'm glad good and neutral was better than bad. :)
The good things are parties and a really good book I recently bought <3
I went to two of my friends birthday parties :D it was so fun and both of them I get to eat a lot of things XD
Australian beef..... x3
Pastries and peach cobble XD
And strawberry salad XD
It's awesome food is awesome.
Now the book is a really good chocolate book written by a British award winning chocolate chef XD
It's a really awesome book.
I can never get to read another Harry potter book again until next next year XD
The neutral things are....
Hmm....
I get to finish my works and the works entrusted to me by others.
I got to do the Christmas project for Jonathan's church :D
But I guess he has no idea that's me who did the main prop. /:
Oh well, and I get to do an advertisement for Bumblebee music centre.
It required me a half day.
And I didn't take any breaks in between the computer. :(
I'm glad I finished it in the end. :)
Maybe imma going to get paid ^^
I don't expect that but yea, my mum won't be happy to hear I'm not being paid to do that and I'm helping them to earn thousands.
Bad things are the usual stuff.
Best not talk about them since many good things have happened :D
Especially Jonathan.
Not losing faith was the best choice afterall. :)
I'm experimenting on chocolate flavours during Christmas.
And expending my choice of tastes.
So my customers has more choices.
More choices means more sales.
More sales means more to charity :)
I have a feeling that it's gonna be an awesome Christmas. <3
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Pierced joys..
I hate it when my days of fun is at stake.
Not that kind of fun you think it is.
it's the fun when you get to go to a party.
when your parents said yes and you can go for it.
I'm always depressed the days before the party comes.
The party is at stake.
And my mum......
Threatens to call it all off.
And forces me to say no.
And lie....
There was a few times....
I had to lie to them...
Threats are always made.
Everyday I reminded myself.
To shut my mouth about the party.
And divert it else where.
I can't talk about it until that day comes.
I can't talk about who we are going to meet.
What we are gonna do and play..
For quite a few times, I avoided telling my mum that 16++ boys will attend.
In case she won't let me go...
Or when that particular guy is there and she doesn't know who they are.
My friends would pity me..
That I don't go wherever I want.
Well....
I think my mum does that all to discipline me..
It's all a training.
On my self control.
There are times when I'm just very very very very sad.
I cheer myself up by thinking that some people else where is having a worse problem than I have.
And I would try to handle it.
I can never ever ever ever ever tell my mum what my true feelings are...
Because.... She would judge and assume my decisions are always foolish.
If I would just tell her something, she would say, so?. If you were in my position... In my life.... You would understand a lot... On how that one word can never fail to destroy my self control on all my thoughts.
If you have my mind... You would understand better... The strain to hold your thoughts back, the years and years and years of locking them up, keeping them to myself, the strain, the control, the bad memories.
You wouldn't understand..
How sad I am inside..
What I always wanted was a mum that could understand I'm a lady, and not a reckless kid....
I'm a lady that can make my own choices.
My own judgement.
And have my own life...
She misunderstood me when I told her she doesn't encourage me...
My dad shouted at me for that later after I told my mum about that...
I can't even talk to them properly.
I think God made me in this purpose.
That no one and only me can survive in my parents life.
I think God knew I can survive this, in their life, in the absence of understanding parents.
God instilled inside me the power to hold myself together, and the glue was happiness from others.
You may think I have a serious Problem here. Secretly, I sometimes think I do. But sometimes, god gave me the problems so I can get stronger than normal people can, that's what I think too.
I hope I can help the church for a Christmas play next Thursday, I'm in charge of a group of adults :P
A threat was given just now to me for that.
That I should ask her permission before I help other people at stuff.
I seriously wish I can tell her I put God's chances to help in priority.
But I don't think that would help in my case. She wouldn't hear of that bull..
Since when do we need to ask permission before helping others?
Not that kind of fun you think it is.
it's the fun when you get to go to a party.
when your parents said yes and you can go for it.
I'm always depressed the days before the party comes.
The party is at stake.
And my mum......
Threatens to call it all off.
And forces me to say no.
And lie....
There was a few times....
I had to lie to them...
Threats are always made.
Everyday I reminded myself.
To shut my mouth about the party.
And divert it else where.
I can't talk about it until that day comes.
I can't talk about who we are going to meet.
What we are gonna do and play..
For quite a few times, I avoided telling my mum that 16++ boys will attend.
In case she won't let me go...
Or when that particular guy is there and she doesn't know who they are.
My friends would pity me..
That I don't go wherever I want.
Well....
I think my mum does that all to discipline me..
It's all a training.
On my self control.
There are times when I'm just very very very very sad.
I cheer myself up by thinking that some people else where is having a worse problem than I have.
And I would try to handle it.
I can never ever ever ever ever tell my mum what my true feelings are...
Because.... She would judge and assume my decisions are always foolish.
If I would just tell her something, she would say, so?. If you were in my position... In my life.... You would understand a lot... On how that one word can never fail to destroy my self control on all my thoughts.
If you have my mind... You would understand better... The strain to hold your thoughts back, the years and years and years of locking them up, keeping them to myself, the strain, the control, the bad memories.
You wouldn't understand..
How sad I am inside..
What I always wanted was a mum that could understand I'm a lady, and not a reckless kid....
I'm a lady that can make my own choices.
My own judgement.
And have my own life...
She misunderstood me when I told her she doesn't encourage me...
My dad shouted at me for that later after I told my mum about that...
I can't even talk to them properly.
I think God made me in this purpose.
That no one and only me can survive in my parents life.
I think God knew I can survive this, in their life, in the absence of understanding parents.
God instilled inside me the power to hold myself together, and the glue was happiness from others.
You may think I have a serious Problem here. Secretly, I sometimes think I do. But sometimes, god gave me the problems so I can get stronger than normal people can, that's what I think too.
I hope I can help the church for a Christmas play next Thursday, I'm in charge of a group of adults :P
A threat was given just now to me for that.
That I should ask her permission before I help other people at stuff.
I seriously wish I can tell her I put God's chances to help in priority.
But I don't think that would help in my case. She wouldn't hear of that bull..
Since when do we need to ask permission before helping others?
Friday, November 16, 2012
Lost people
I've been on YouTube recently.
And started using my account to comment on the videos.
I left a few comments about God and His Creation.
And the replies are devastating.
I can not believe how these people can still live on their lives without God.
The curse and condemn about God's Creation and says that Creation is as ridiculous as Evolution.
Says that Christian is garbage and some strives to destroy our religion.
There are scary humans out there.
The replies may come from the minion devils themselves.
Because devils can be humans too.
The evil ones which will always hate and condemn about God's words.
It's so scary.
God oh God.
There are so many people who don't believe.
And they are civilised people.
Are they devils in disguise or just lost souls wandering upon the earth..
No wonder we need God's word to guard our hearts against the evil beings.
FAITH, TRUST, GOD.
<3
And started using my account to comment on the videos.
I left a few comments about God and His Creation.
And the replies are devastating.
I can not believe how these people can still live on their lives without God.
The curse and condemn about God's Creation and says that Creation is as ridiculous as Evolution.
Says that Christian is garbage and some strives to destroy our religion.
There are scary humans out there.
The replies may come from the minion devils themselves.
Because devils can be humans too.
The evil ones which will always hate and condemn about God's words.
It's so scary.
God oh God.
There are so many people who don't believe.
And they are civilised people.
Are they devils in disguise or just lost souls wandering upon the earth..
No wonder we need God's word to guard our hearts against the evil beings.
FAITH, TRUST, GOD.
<3
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Happiness
Sometimes prayers took a while to fulfill. But mine certainly was always heard.
I finally received Jonathan's fb friend request!!!
It was actually a few weeks ago but I'm still happy as though it happened yesterday. X3
I'm so so so happy!!!
It was a morning which I discovered.
I didn't reply immediately.
I didn't want to know whether it's a prank or not by hackers.
I waited till afternoon.
He didn't say anything ><
So I accepted!!
No I'm not angry at Jonathan.
I'm happy that he made me as a friend again.
I forgave him ^^
Actually I forgive him everyday...
But oh well :3
Thank you god for always fulfilling my prayers.
Even it took quite a while. XP
I finally received Jonathan's fb friend request!!!
It was actually a few weeks ago but I'm still happy as though it happened yesterday. X3
I'm so so so happy!!!
It was a morning which I discovered.
I didn't reply immediately.
I didn't want to know whether it's a prank or not by hackers.
I waited till afternoon.
He didn't say anything ><
So I accepted!!
No I'm not angry at Jonathan.
I'm happy that he made me as a friend again.
I forgave him ^^
Actually I forgive him everyday...
But oh well :3
Thank you god for always fulfilling my prayers.
Even it took quite a while. XP
Friday, September 14, 2012
I'm a Miss now :3
I'm so happy today :)
I love Fridays :)
Fridays means art classes XD
And art classes means art XP
I have like three days of art.
Friday Saturday and Sunday.
I'm so happy why?
I'm given a class of my own to teach X3
And it's official!!!
I love teaching kids :)
Anything but maths and English.
But art is the easiest to teach :D
Cause I use just about anything that pops in my head as the subject for today XP
I'm such a last minute person DX
But in a good way XO
Today after sports.
I used 15 minutes to cut a papercraft.
It's a pixie and a fairy boy dancing together :)
It's my first papercut, and it came out better than I thought it would be XDD
But I gave that away :3
Then I didn't sit for five minutes after sports.
So technically I was teaching instead of learning :DD XD
And standing for more than 2 hours...
I can't believe the smaller kids have never done snowflake cuttings OAO
It's like the simplest art craft DX
But I taught them anyways, I gave the senior people more advanced things to cut.
At the end of the day they love their snow flakes XD
But I'm happy they love what I taught them :) at least they are grateful.
Unlike some people.
Not that I like bragging.
But it's just one thing I'm good at. (:
And I'm glad the teacher trusts me so much :D
It feels good to have a teacher trusting you a lot.
And leave responsibilities for you.
And trusts you to finish it.
I won't let her down.
By the end of the year, they'll do some fantastic art and crafts <3
I love Fridays :)
Fridays means art classes XD
And art classes means art XP
I have like three days of art.
Friday Saturday and Sunday.
I'm so happy why?
I'm given a class of my own to teach X3
And it's official!!!
I love teaching kids :)
Anything but maths and English.
But art is the easiest to teach :D
Cause I use just about anything that pops in my head as the subject for today XP
I'm such a last minute person DX
But in a good way XO
Today after sports.
I used 15 minutes to cut a papercraft.
It's a pixie and a fairy boy dancing together :)
It's my first papercut, and it came out better than I thought it would be XDD
But I gave that away :3
Then I didn't sit for five minutes after sports.
So technically I was teaching instead of learning :DD XD
And standing for more than 2 hours...
I can't believe the smaller kids have never done snowflake cuttings OAO
It's like the simplest art craft DX
But I taught them anyways, I gave the senior people more advanced things to cut.
At the end of the day they love their snow flakes XD
But I'm happy they love what I taught them :) at least they are grateful.
Unlike some people.
Not that I like bragging.
But it's just one thing I'm good at. (:
And I'm glad the teacher trusts me so much :D
It feels good to have a teacher trusting you a lot.
And leave responsibilities for you.
And trusts you to finish it.
I won't let her down.
By the end of the year, they'll do some fantastic art and crafts <3
Saturday, September 08, 2012
A week passed
Its been a week.
I'm glad I didn't plunge into depression again.
But I'm still thinking about him.
And still regretting..
And still keeping his promises which he doesn't know of.
I'm glad he's happy now :)
He's happily in college.
With good friends.
And good angels to watch over him for me :3
I'm glad I didn't plunge into depression again.
But I'm still thinking about him.
And still regretting..
And still keeping his promises which he doesn't know of.
I'm glad he's happy now :)
He's happily in college.
With good friends.
And good angels to watch over him for me :3
Sunday, September 02, 2012
It has gone
Today I felt a change.
Really a change.
I realised, my depression has ended.
I can do everything normally now I hope.
I hope it will be totally gone.
It's really a change.
I must not lose this change.
Or I'll be in depression again.
Don't come back.
Really a change.
I realised, my depression has ended.
I can do everything normally now I hope.
I hope it will be totally gone.
It's really a change.
I must not lose this change.
Or I'll be in depression again.
Don't come back.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Second day of convention
Last night a kid stayed up really late crying for her family.
She's really homesick.
She wanted to call her mum to pick her back home.
She wants to go to out teachers room to tell her that. But she's afraid.
I wish I could really tell her to grow up, you can't stick to your momma always.
But no, I stick by her till late midnight and tell her.
It's going to end soon everything is going to end really soon, just hold out a bit longer. Your friends are here and they need you.
I repeat this sentence.
And pat her till she went to sleep.
I was never like this.
I never cried when I first left my home. Cause my mum was very strict. Very very strict.
I almost never cried when I'm in my childhood.
I was never a crybaby.
Even when I was alone and I fell down. I always pick myself up and dust off the dirt and walk on.
No one was there and I never cried.
I was a weird child.
My parents had no problems with me. Cause I don't make fusses.
I grew up learning to live by myself.
With the continuing words from my parents.
Those words are harsh.
Never comforting.
If you would hear them you would be scared.
I never make sobbing sounds when I cry. Even in public.
But I can't stop tears coming.
They just flow.
But I'm very silent.
When I cry.
It seems almost weird to you.
That's how I am.
I'm sorry I never cried when you are here even once Jonathan.
You couldn't see me cry like a girl.
I'm sorry. I never seem to give you a chance to comfort me.
I'm sorry.
I miss you so much everyday
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
First day of convention
It's almost 12noon.
We arrived at school.
The bus came, we boarded and set off.
We reached at 2pm. It was in KL rawang.
They are all here. Competitors and haters. I wish I could have some fun senses like you do, Jonathan.
You seem to make us have some fun.
Like you said on Facebook.
How can we have fun when we know they are here to beat you.
I never have fun in competitions.
That's why competitions are so tense. Cause I don't have fun.
I wish your here. Just here.
It doesn't have to be with me. But I wish you were just here.
I have no events on the first day.
So I helped the kids to get ready.
I'm in the same dorm with my school juniors. So I'm responsible for them.
I see the other school's people are here. CA, The Seed. and plenty more others ASAA, victory life, Saint Patrick, etc. I don't miss them.
Thank goodness some of my friends are friends with them.
I'm just not born to mix like them.
I mind my business.
I don't contact them.
Ever since last year.
I'm not jealous either that my friends could blend well and socialise.
I'm happy for them.
So I leave them alone.
We arrived at school.
The bus came, we boarded and set off.
We reached at 2pm. It was in KL rawang.
They are all here. Competitors and haters. I wish I could have some fun senses like you do, Jonathan.
You seem to make us have some fun.
Like you said on Facebook.
How can we have fun when we know they are here to beat you.
I never have fun in competitions.
That's why competitions are so tense. Cause I don't have fun.
I wish your here. Just here.
It doesn't have to be with me. But I wish you were just here.
I have no events on the first day.
So I helped the kids to get ready.
I'm in the same dorm with my school juniors. So I'm responsible for them.
I see the other school's people are here. CA, The Seed. and plenty more others ASAA, victory life, Saint Patrick, etc. I don't miss them.
Thank goodness some of my friends are friends with them.
I'm just not born to mix like them.
I mind my business.
I don't contact them.
Ever since last year.
I'm not jealous either that my friends could blend well and socialise.
I'm happy for them.
So I leave them alone.
The day before convention
It was a really stressful day.
I'm having some self reflection.
Packing for the day.
I am controlling my thoughts, so I wouldn't give myself excuses I could lose to them.
Just because that other people have training everyday doesn't mean I can't beat them too.
Just because they have piano classes doesn't mean I can't play as well as they do.
Just because they are good doesn't mean I can't be better than them.
I tell this to myself so that I won't make excuses to myself when I lose.
I tell myself.
If I don't win this it's okay. Because I could win in others.
But if I don't get medals back.
I'll have a hard time.
I scare myself mentally so I can do well in convention.
Don't blame me if I sound weird to you.
I was brought up this way.
I prayed before I sleep.
I pray for a miracle to happen.
This reminded me of last years convention.
It's just that you weren't here.
It's okay. I pretend that you are. Just that you are sleeping in the dorms that's all.
I still remember those days clearly.
I miss you.
Saturday, August 04, 2012
Sports day! Whee~
Today was sports day.
It was a really awesome day.
Until one of my friend got the first gold for running 100meter and I got second.
For the rest of the day I couldn't win her in anything and she's younger than me. I only got 2 silvers and a bronze.
Which is so depressing.
To me.
But my house was so happy.
And I was happy for them that they could get gold in their relay.
Jonathan was there today at sports day.
I caught him catching my glance twice.
But I know it is nothing.
It just hurts.
I saw my dad glaring at him like he's a terrorist. I was so unhappy.
I felt so sad. But I'm happy at the same time that he's here, watching us.
Thank god I'm the captain for green team.
I led the green house to second place!!
Better than last year which is third, under jonathan's leading.
Thank god we won second.
I could show him I could be better In leading than he did.
I'm happy we got second.
But we were ONE POINT away from blue. But I AM HAPPY!
I made a impression of a memory to him today. And I'm happy I did.
He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
Like I said before when I was with him.
"just by seeing your back, I'm happy"
I think he forgot. But no matter.
I was sad I couldn't win gold today.
My friend in red house did but her house got third BOOYAH IN YOUR FACE!!
But I still like him.
But his friend, was much kinder..
Thank god for him..
:') I'm happy I have such friends.
I never really had normal friends.
Till I came to CBC.
normal seems so big to me.
Another him came today.
Just to see his friends and me.
I feel kinda sorry for him.
He loves me plenty plenty.
But I don't feel anything for him.
I know I should be, but I can't feel that thing I had when I was with jonathan.
I think...
I lost it...
I can't feel the emotions of true love....
I lost it on the way of my reformation..
I really think I did...
I think, cause my system told me I would be just the way I was, happy by just being able to see him and able to live through the days till I see him again, never needing to talk, but still will love him.
I don't think he ever loved me who I am inside in the first place...
He never liked me being independent.
nor being stronger than him and having visible biceps. He doesn't like that.
I don't blame him.
I tried to change for him.
Even if they say never change who you are for the person, if you do they never loved you originally in the first place.
I loved him that's why I changed for him. He doesn't need to love me, he just needa talk to me, any sign of it, I want just a moment of it.
I could live through my life with that sign.
I'm so sorry to the boys who showed their affections to me.
I'm sorry, I can't love anybody for the moment.
I'm sorry to let you waste your time on me and not telling you I'm living on a broken heart with memories.
I feel really bad to the guy that's currently very very very in love with me, I felt really really bad I couldn't love him much much more than I could.
If I had amnesia, I would live on for tomorrow forgetting what I had in the past.
I would get Jonathan's memories. The first meeting, and his existence off my mind. By the means of someone's help in making me forget.
And it's free of charge.
I don't need a forgetting spell.
I just need a hypnotizing therapy.
To forget everything today.
And live on without knowing I had a sweet 16th year.
Sad, broken hearted, really sad, just a tad disappointed, really really sad, on the urge of going crazy and tears, just wishing on the thread of hope, and praying for the chance to happen.
-Me
It was a really awesome day.
Until one of my friend got the first gold for running 100meter and I got second.
For the rest of the day I couldn't win her in anything and she's younger than me. I only got 2 silvers and a bronze.
Which is so depressing.
To me.
But my house was so happy.
And I was happy for them that they could get gold in their relay.
Jonathan was there today at sports day.
I caught him catching my glance twice.
But I know it is nothing.
It just hurts.
I saw my dad glaring at him like he's a terrorist. I was so unhappy.
I felt so sad. But I'm happy at the same time that he's here, watching us.
Thank god I'm the captain for green team.
I led the green house to second place!!
Better than last year which is third, under jonathan's leading.
Thank god we won second.
I could show him I could be better In leading than he did.
I'm happy we got second.
But we were ONE POINT away from blue. But I AM HAPPY!
I made a impression of a memory to him today. And I'm happy I did.
He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
Like I said before when I was with him.
"just by seeing your back, I'm happy"
I think he forgot. But no matter.
I was sad I couldn't win gold today.
My friend in red house did but her house got third BOOYAH IN YOUR FACE!!
But I still like him.
But his friend, was much kinder..
Thank god for him..
:') I'm happy I have such friends.
I never really had normal friends.
Till I came to CBC.
normal seems so big to me.
Another him came today.
Just to see his friends and me.
I feel kinda sorry for him.
He loves me plenty plenty.
But I don't feel anything for him.
I know I should be, but I can't feel that thing I had when I was with jonathan.
I think...
I lost it...
I can't feel the emotions of true love....
I lost it on the way of my reformation..
I really think I did...
I think, cause my system told me I would be just the way I was, happy by just being able to see him and able to live through the days till I see him again, never needing to talk, but still will love him.
I don't think he ever loved me who I am inside in the first place...
He never liked me being independent.
nor being stronger than him and having visible biceps. He doesn't like that.
I don't blame him.
I tried to change for him.
Even if they say never change who you are for the person, if you do they never loved you originally in the first place.
I loved him that's why I changed for him. He doesn't need to love me, he just needa talk to me, any sign of it, I want just a moment of it.
I could live through my life with that sign.
I'm so sorry to the boys who showed their affections to me.
I'm sorry, I can't love anybody for the moment.
I'm sorry to let you waste your time on me and not telling you I'm living on a broken heart with memories.
I feel really bad to the guy that's currently very very very in love with me, I felt really really bad I couldn't love him much much more than I could.
If I had amnesia, I would live on for tomorrow forgetting what I had in the past.
I would get Jonathan's memories. The first meeting, and his existence off my mind. By the means of someone's help in making me forget.
And it's free of charge.
I don't need a forgetting spell.
I just need a hypnotizing therapy.
To forget everything today.
And live on without knowing I had a sweet 16th year.
Sad, broken hearted, really sad, just a tad disappointed, really really sad, on the urge of going crazy and tears, just wishing on the thread of hope, and praying for the chance to happen.
-Me
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Nosy ppl should stay not knowing stuff
How I wish people arent so nosy.
It's other people's private information afterall.
Last Saturday was one of my guy friend birthday.
And just because I'm getting his cake ready for him for so many days, my mum asked, "so he is admiring you?"
OH PUH-LEASE. just because I'm getting his birthday party a perfect surprise DOESN'T MEAN HE'S ADMIRING ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!
I HATE IT WHEN MY MUM JUST ASSUMES THAT QUESTION FOR ME TO ANSWER!!!!
he's a year younger than me for god's sake!!! And I'm not interested in him!!! NEVER!!
And she forbids me to do any of these things in the future!!!! WHAT DID I EVER DID WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
just because I wanna give a person my personal touch in the cake I get forbidden =_=
Fffffuuuuukkk.... =3=
On Saturday was sports practice.
She bought a 100plus drink for me.
She said I can only drink it AFTER PRACTICES.
WHAT THE FUK!!!!!
YOIR SUPPOSE TO DRINK IT DURING SPORTS SO WE DON'T GET TIRED!!!!! I need it during the practice and she threatens that she won't buy anymore for me if I drink it now.
SHE MAKES ME SO UUUUUGGGHH!!!!!!!!!
I'm angry, sad, frustrated, pissed, feeling hot and blood rushing, and memories flash and then boom.
I just clench and unclench my fist and walk off. Feeling on the urge to spill angry tears.
I ran not so well after that, cause my mouth tasted funny and my stomach weird. I need that drink!!!
After one race I walked back unsteadily, just planning to drink it before I get sick in the stadium and risking all future treats....
She asked whether practices are over I just lied to her it's finished and thankfully gulp down the beverage...
I didn't ran anymore. Cause my stomach felt uncomfortable...
All her fault...
She just smirk when I walked away.
I hate it a lot.
But. I. Will. Tolerate.
For god's sake.
And then when we were walking back.
My mum asked whether one of my friend has a boyfriend.
I just said I don't know, cause I don't give info like these to her.
My bro butts in with his stinky mouth and said yes she does and it's XXX.
he just has to say it.
So I just shouted back, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!! THEY BROKE UP LONG AGO!!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NOSY!!!!
JUST STAY NOT KNOWING!!!
She snaps back and glares at me and tells me to watch my mouth.
My week just ended pretty badly so yea....
Dealing with these questions.
It's okay..
Cause she doesn't know...
I still love him.
<3
It's other people's private information afterall.
Last Saturday was one of my guy friend birthday.
And just because I'm getting his cake ready for him for so many days, my mum asked, "so he is admiring you?"
OH PUH-LEASE. just because I'm getting his birthday party a perfect surprise DOESN'T MEAN HE'S ADMIRING ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!
I HATE IT WHEN MY MUM JUST ASSUMES THAT QUESTION FOR ME TO ANSWER!!!!
he's a year younger than me for god's sake!!! And I'm not interested in him!!! NEVER!!
And she forbids me to do any of these things in the future!!!! WHAT DID I EVER DID WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
just because I wanna give a person my personal touch in the cake I get forbidden =_=
Fffffuuuuukkk.... =3=
On Saturday was sports practice.
She bought a 100plus drink for me.
She said I can only drink it AFTER PRACTICES.
WHAT THE FUK!!!!!
YOIR SUPPOSE TO DRINK IT DURING SPORTS SO WE DON'T GET TIRED!!!!! I need it during the practice and she threatens that she won't buy anymore for me if I drink it now.
SHE MAKES ME SO UUUUUGGGHH!!!!!!!!!
I'm angry, sad, frustrated, pissed, feeling hot and blood rushing, and memories flash and then boom.
I just clench and unclench my fist and walk off. Feeling on the urge to spill angry tears.
I ran not so well after that, cause my mouth tasted funny and my stomach weird. I need that drink!!!
After one race I walked back unsteadily, just planning to drink it before I get sick in the stadium and risking all future treats....
She asked whether practices are over I just lied to her it's finished and thankfully gulp down the beverage...
I didn't ran anymore. Cause my stomach felt uncomfortable...
All her fault...
She just smirk when I walked away.
I hate it a lot.
But. I. Will. Tolerate.
For god's sake.
And then when we were walking back.
My mum asked whether one of my friend has a boyfriend.
I just said I don't know, cause I don't give info like these to her.
My bro butts in with his stinky mouth and said yes she does and it's XXX.
he just has to say it.
So I just shouted back, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!! THEY BROKE UP LONG AGO!!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NOSY!!!!
JUST STAY NOT KNOWING!!!
She snaps back and glares at me and tells me to watch my mouth.
My week just ended pretty badly so yea....
Dealing with these questions.
It's okay..
Cause she doesn't know...
I still love him.
<3
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Forget
My sadness only brings destruction to my own self.
Destroying my future with you.
I can only find a new way.
I have to find one before it's too late to change...
I don't have the strength to eliminate those feelings myself...
I know I can't.
Cause my heart was too attached to you. It was stupid of me not to let go.
My depression is pulling me down.
If I don't get rid of it now, it'll only make me die.
Now I have a chance to erase everything.
Your existence from my memories.
I want to erase my memory of my first meeting with you.
And everything else after that.
My happiness with you.
My memories with you.
Our firsts.
Our dates.
Our tears.
My sadness.
Your anger.
My depression.
Your hatred.
I want to erase all that.
Erase my 16th year memories.
Forget about your birthday.
Forget about getting a Christmas present for you.
Forget about thinking about you on valentines day.
It has been the same everyday.
I could not cease thinking about you.
You don't know how I feel.
You don't need to know my pain.
Cause you don't want to care anymore.
Don't have anything to do with me.
And avoid me.
Like I'm a freak.
I won't wake up.
I don't wanna wake up knowing about you.
I wanna wake up losing my 16th year memories.
So that I could worry about you no more..
I loved you for more than a year.
We didn't last for 8 months.
I had loved you always.
You never noticed.
It's okay.
You never wanted my love anymore.
I want to erase my love for you to the depths of my memories where I will never touch.
I hope it will never resurface again.
Because I could never love you the same.
I prefer to die, than remembering everything when I wake up
Than I would be a total stranger to you if I wake up.
Destroying my future with you.
I can only find a new way.
I have to find one before it's too late to change...
I don't have the strength to eliminate those feelings myself...
I know I can't.
Cause my heart was too attached to you. It was stupid of me not to let go.
My depression is pulling me down.
If I don't get rid of it now, it'll only make me die.
Now I have a chance to erase everything.
Your existence from my memories.
I want to erase my memory of my first meeting with you.
And everything else after that.
My happiness with you.
My memories with you.
Our firsts.
Our dates.
Our tears.
My sadness.
Your anger.
My depression.
Your hatred.
I want to erase all that.
Erase my 16th year memories.
Forget about your birthday.
Forget about getting a Christmas present for you.
Forget about thinking about you on valentines day.
It has been the same everyday.
I could not cease thinking about you.
You don't know how I feel.
You don't need to know my pain.
Cause you don't want to care anymore.
Don't have anything to do with me.
And avoid me.
Like I'm a freak.
I won't wake up.
I don't wanna wake up knowing about you.
I wanna wake up losing my 16th year memories.
So that I could worry about you no more..
I loved you for more than a year.
We didn't last for 8 months.
I had loved you always.
You never noticed.
It's okay.
You never wanted my love anymore.
I want to erase my love for you to the depths of my memories where I will never touch.
I hope it will never resurface again.
Because I could never love you the same.
I prefer to die, than remembering everything when I wake up
Than I would be a total stranger to you if I wake up.
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Omgeeee!!
OMG OMG OMG OMGEEEE!!!
Jonathan is driving!!! 8DDD
Well that's not new news cause I know it since last year.
BUT I DIDN'T SEE HIM DRIVE BEFORE!!!! 8DDD and now I did!!
And I was like WHOOOAAAAAA!!! 8D
Kakoi desu!!!!! X3
But oh well...
And reality came crashing...
He's not mine anymore...
He promised he would take me for a drive.
But he has forgotten about it I assume.
He would drive me for a round, if I were his. I knew he would.
But no. He wouldn't now.
He wouldn't...
It's just so sad...
I want a hug.. Just to hug them and just cry... And be depressed and mope..
Just regretting.. Why was I like this...
Why didn't I stop it... Why didn't I do my best to change for him just cause I love him so much...
My depression is as worse as a housewife getting a divorce... :'(
Jonathan is driving!!! 8DDD
Well that's not new news cause I know it since last year.
BUT I DIDN'T SEE HIM DRIVE BEFORE!!!! 8DDD and now I did!!
And I was like WHOOOAAAAAA!!! 8D
Kakoi desu!!!!! X3
But oh well...
And reality came crashing...
He's not mine anymore...
He promised he would take me for a drive.
But he has forgotten about it I assume.
He would drive me for a round, if I were his. I knew he would.
But no. He wouldn't now.
He wouldn't...
It's just so sad...
I want a hug.. Just to hug them and just cry... And be depressed and mope..
Just regretting.. Why was I like this...
Why didn't I stop it... Why didn't I do my best to change for him just cause I love him so much...
My depression is as worse as a housewife getting a divorce... :'(
Monday, July 02, 2012
My time alone.
Ever since the day he left me.
I was in a big depression.
A really really big one.
And a long one.
Till now.
I'm still suffering the aftermath of it.
My friends all felt bad for me.
They knew how much I loved him, even when they at first doubted it to be a puppy love. They felt so very sad for me. I felt so bad having them to pity me.
I felt like a pathetic being.
But... It was all about big time depression.
I couldn't stop crying. Luckily it was when I went back home. I walked up to my room calmly without raising any suspicion. My mum fetched me that day. I could praise myself to hold such emotions back till I can shut myself off the world.
I start crying the way Juliet did on her bed. And cried.. And cried...
Till dinner, I realised I can't have red puffy eyes for dinner, I tried to stop.
Yes it worked by me scalding my face with hot water then cold. And it went from red to pink. So it looks natural.
So they won't ask.
For the sake of scolding.
In school I couldn't stand it, my friends kept asking me what happened, I don't blame them for wanting to know what broke us apart. Cause nothing can ever separated us when we were together.
Not even his parents or headmaster.
We were the inseparable couple.
I wanted it to stay that way.
But I guess in some part of the world.
Those people doesn't agree.
I know they don't.
They insult them..
I hate it when they insult.
I'm afraid that God will punish me cause I'm their child.
Time passes on and on.. One month.. Two months... One year..
My depression didn't lessen...
And it's beginning to show on my grades.. I can't tell them the reason...
They'll say I'm stupid for using such an excuse. I don't tell them why..
Maybe my brain just had an enormous breakdown. That is not making my brain functioning properly.
I'm forgetting things within 30 seconds.
When my mum asks me to do two things, I'll always miss either one.
So I always get scolded.
I don't understand why, I forgot about it in a snap. There was once a time when my mum asked me to go downstairs to take fruits up, I went downstairs to put something back, but I forgot about the fruits. I mean, that's just stupid.
Forgetting things like that in a snap.
It's just for mental problem ppl.
Like me ><
I want my mum to bring me to an MRI scan.. Just to make sure my brain doesnt have any damage on them, cause last year I hit the corner of a table and it bleed but I didn't tell my mum.
I just let it heal. Naturally Its gone.
So maybe side effects are taking place now?..
My dear friend, I'm sorry if I made you sad, but I can't put my sadness any place else, yes I've thought about putting somewhere but other people will see.. And they'll ask, I dont want them to ask about it. If I show them in my pictures, they'll know.
If I put them into words (hard copy) someone will find them and read them.
I don't want that to happen.
I promised I won't hurt myself like hitting a wall, cause I promised him.
I show my expressions through words so I won't show them on my face.
There's not a need to look up at me, don't look up at a girl being in major depression.
Pitying me is no use, cause it happened to me already. So make sure you don't make that mistake on bonding on your first love so much like me. Even if you see that it's true love, the other person might not think the same.
This is a big lesson that can't turn back. Now I'm left as a pathetic girl still loving a person that hates me so much.
He doesn't feel that way cause he's moved on. I kept clinging on that one prayer God answered for me. That one hope. He may not noticed it, but he knows about the conversation we had.
It was my fault to stay back in the old memories. Never moving forward to look at another guy the same anymore.
Like a servant losing a perfect master.
Having no motivation to serve anyone else anymore.
Then I start to recover..
I start to draw again..
Producing more real lifelike drawings cause of my enhanced abilities during my time with him.
My eyes always look for stray cat fur on his clothes and always picks them out clean during break, which he hates.
That training somehow made my eyes to be able to photocopy the exact picture into my drawing.
It's like a freak I know.
I mean, which girlfriend helps their boyfriend to rid his pants of cat fur. XD
It's just weird of me yea. Even he says so <3
But that was a long time ago.
Then he started wearing cleaner pants.
Oh well, looks like the jobs cut out for me. ^^
Now. My mother threatens me to stop drawing or else next convention I might not be able to go cause of the lack of my books I do.
She never understood my situation anyway.. My misery and my lack of motivation. I never told her. I never told anyone about it. Because it was the reason that's keeping me back.
They were the ones who took him away from my heart... They ruined him through the sadness they channel through me.. In short, I ruined him unintentionally...
That's why after that, I never told him of my house problems..
Never knew all those bad things happening...
Never knew why..
And just assume I was a weird girl.
That's fine with me, as long as he doesn't find out, its fine..
It wasn't then until my friend, is constantly talking about suicide.
His friend got fed up with him. And threw him in my arms. And told me to help him. I understand his situation completely. The bullyings and those fake confessions. I understand it all, it wasn't hard at all to understand.
Because I know the feeling 10 times worse.
I encouraged him. To live for a better tomorrow, and encouraged him to live a better life without negative thoughts.
And saving him from his depression.
It's just natural that he's outmostly grateful for what I've done for him.
It's personal information for now. XP
I saved a person from thinking negative thoughts all the time.
And kept saying that negative things attract good things for him.
I wanted to just slap him and say snap out of it, its not the negative things that attracts good stuff. It's the positive stuff and to start attracting good things is to start by changing yourself.
I'm such a bad person.
Helping others.
But not helping myself at all.
My mum calls me a hypocrite.
I call myself pathetic, depressed, being.
I feel so weird now..
Sometimes I just act dumb and just stare into space at home.
Dumb people needn't so much stress.
They just be dumb ^^
I was in a big depression.
A really really big one.
And a long one.
Till now.
I'm still suffering the aftermath of it.
My friends all felt bad for me.
They knew how much I loved him, even when they at first doubted it to be a puppy love. They felt so very sad for me. I felt so bad having them to pity me.
I felt like a pathetic being.
But... It was all about big time depression.
I couldn't stop crying. Luckily it was when I went back home. I walked up to my room calmly without raising any suspicion. My mum fetched me that day. I could praise myself to hold such emotions back till I can shut myself off the world.
I start crying the way Juliet did on her bed. And cried.. And cried...
Till dinner, I realised I can't have red puffy eyes for dinner, I tried to stop.
Yes it worked by me scalding my face with hot water then cold. And it went from red to pink. So it looks natural.
So they won't ask.
For the sake of scolding.
In school I couldn't stand it, my friends kept asking me what happened, I don't blame them for wanting to know what broke us apart. Cause nothing can ever separated us when we were together.
Not even his parents or headmaster.
We were the inseparable couple.
I wanted it to stay that way.
But I guess in some part of the world.
Those people doesn't agree.
I know they don't.
They insult them..
I hate it when they insult.
I'm afraid that God will punish me cause I'm their child.
Time passes on and on.. One month.. Two months... One year..
My depression didn't lessen...
And it's beginning to show on my grades.. I can't tell them the reason...
They'll say I'm stupid for using such an excuse. I don't tell them why..
Maybe my brain just had an enormous breakdown. That is not making my brain functioning properly.
I'm forgetting things within 30 seconds.
When my mum asks me to do two things, I'll always miss either one.
So I always get scolded.
I don't understand why, I forgot about it in a snap. There was once a time when my mum asked me to go downstairs to take fruits up, I went downstairs to put something back, but I forgot about the fruits. I mean, that's just stupid.
Forgetting things like that in a snap.
It's just for mental problem ppl.
Like me ><
I want my mum to bring me to an MRI scan.. Just to make sure my brain doesnt have any damage on them, cause last year I hit the corner of a table and it bleed but I didn't tell my mum.
I just let it heal. Naturally Its gone.
So maybe side effects are taking place now?..
My dear friend, I'm sorry if I made you sad, but I can't put my sadness any place else, yes I've thought about putting somewhere but other people will see.. And they'll ask, I dont want them to ask about it. If I show them in my pictures, they'll know.
If I put them into words (hard copy) someone will find them and read them.
I don't want that to happen.
I promised I won't hurt myself like hitting a wall, cause I promised him.
I show my expressions through words so I won't show them on my face.
There's not a need to look up at me, don't look up at a girl being in major depression.
Pitying me is no use, cause it happened to me already. So make sure you don't make that mistake on bonding on your first love so much like me. Even if you see that it's true love, the other person might not think the same.
This is a big lesson that can't turn back. Now I'm left as a pathetic girl still loving a person that hates me so much.
He doesn't feel that way cause he's moved on. I kept clinging on that one prayer God answered for me. That one hope. He may not noticed it, but he knows about the conversation we had.
It was my fault to stay back in the old memories. Never moving forward to look at another guy the same anymore.
Like a servant losing a perfect master.
Having no motivation to serve anyone else anymore.
Then I start to recover..
I start to draw again..
Producing more real lifelike drawings cause of my enhanced abilities during my time with him.
My eyes always look for stray cat fur on his clothes and always picks them out clean during break, which he hates.
That training somehow made my eyes to be able to photocopy the exact picture into my drawing.
It's like a freak I know.
I mean, which girlfriend helps their boyfriend to rid his pants of cat fur. XD
It's just weird of me yea. Even he says so <3
But that was a long time ago.
Then he started wearing cleaner pants.
Oh well, looks like the jobs cut out for me. ^^
Now. My mother threatens me to stop drawing or else next convention I might not be able to go cause of the lack of my books I do.
She never understood my situation anyway.. My misery and my lack of motivation. I never told her. I never told anyone about it. Because it was the reason that's keeping me back.
They were the ones who took him away from my heart... They ruined him through the sadness they channel through me.. In short, I ruined him unintentionally...
That's why after that, I never told him of my house problems..
Never knew all those bad things happening...
Never knew why..
And just assume I was a weird girl.
That's fine with me, as long as he doesn't find out, its fine..
It wasn't then until my friend, is constantly talking about suicide.
His friend got fed up with him. And threw him in my arms. And told me to help him. I understand his situation completely. The bullyings and those fake confessions. I understand it all, it wasn't hard at all to understand.
Because I know the feeling 10 times worse.
I encouraged him. To live for a better tomorrow, and encouraged him to live a better life without negative thoughts.
And saving him from his depression.
It's just natural that he's outmostly grateful for what I've done for him.
It's personal information for now. XP
I saved a person from thinking negative thoughts all the time.
And kept saying that negative things attract good things for him.
I wanted to just slap him and say snap out of it, its not the negative things that attracts good stuff. It's the positive stuff and to start attracting good things is to start by changing yourself.
I'm such a bad person.
Helping others.
But not helping myself at all.
My mum calls me a hypocrite.
I call myself pathetic, depressed, being.
I feel so weird now..
Sometimes I just act dumb and just stare into space at home.
Dumb people needn't so much stress.
They just be dumb ^^
Couldn't live without.
Ever since the day you left.
I knew I wasn't gonna survive without hearing the piano play.
I just knew.
I knew I have to either live to learn it.
Or die without learning.
I know, my heart will miss those beautiful notes you played, I know I can't live without it. I need to survive by myself.
I need to help myself to let my heart live on with it.
So I learned to play piano by myself.
To replace the big loss I had when you were gone.
Though I may not be as good as your angelic hands sweeping across the keys.
But I'd be better off imagining you were playing and I'm just listening like the good old times. <3
I may be a dummy to do it for the sake of replacing those missing keys and memories.
But I'm not silly enough to die without learning.
I knew I wasn't gonna survive without hearing the piano play.
I just knew.
I knew I have to either live to learn it.
Or die without learning.
I know, my heart will miss those beautiful notes you played, I know I can't live without it. I need to survive by myself.
I need to help myself to let my heart live on with it.
So I learned to play piano by myself.
To replace the big loss I had when you were gone.
Though I may not be as good as your angelic hands sweeping across the keys.
But I'd be better off imagining you were playing and I'm just listening like the good old times. <3
I may be a dummy to do it for the sake of replacing those missing keys and memories.
But I'm not silly enough to die without learning.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Just so you know..
I have a little more trust in you now to do our props <3
But anyways, today is the day I discovered the reason why Jonathan doesn't want to be a nice guy.
Cause every girl will start to chase a nice person.
Like I am now.
I'm being too nice....
gosh, what did I get myself into... =3=
you don't wanna know ><
John said imma art genius XD
Yesterday Esther said imma genius X3
hahahahahahahaha <3
their words always boost up my motivations.
My mum gossiped about me being not good at study but being good only at arts. She kept saying about it like I'm worthless and I can't study and can only shut up in my room doing God knows what.
I'm feeling so sad....
Especially when both of them are home. I feel so drained....
Every happiness seem to drain from me, and it's replaced by fake smile and words till one of them is gone for the next whole week.
If they would know of my lost secret.
Everything would collapse.. ^^
If they would know all my desires and thoughts.
That would be the day of my death.
But anyways, today is the day I discovered the reason why Jonathan doesn't want to be a nice guy.
Cause every girl will start to chase a nice person.
Like I am now.
I'm being too nice....
gosh, what did I get myself into... =3=
you don't wanna know ><
John said imma art genius XD
Yesterday Esther said imma genius X3
hahahahahahahaha <3
their words always boost up my motivations.
My mum gossiped about me being not good at study but being good only at arts. She kept saying about it like I'm worthless and I can't study and can only shut up in my room doing God knows what.
I'm feeling so sad....
Especially when both of them are home. I feel so drained....
Every happiness seem to drain from me, and it's replaced by fake smile and words till one of them is gone for the next whole week.
If they would know of my lost secret.
Everything would collapse.. ^^
If they would know all my desires and thoughts.
That would be the day of my death.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Those hateful things...
I'm never eating using her money ever again...
I thought my mum would be like his mum... Sharing, never thought of taking back.. And will buy food whenever I want it...
I rarely buy food like this, mind you.
Especially eating and walking.
Or eating McD in a car.
I can't believe it.
Her tone.
Her hateful, mocking tone.
It makes me wanna hit something and break it.
I can't believe, she would even consider asking me to pay back her credits.
I can't believe, she asked me to use HER phone as MINE.
She could access to all my SMS if that's the case.
I would not have privacy..
Not even in my own room, she just barges in.. Even told me to not lock the door.
She would question me, all sorts of touchy questions.
She would mock me again, in her hateful tone, of all my guy friends.
I would not let her do that.
She would.. She would..
That's why, I don't use her phone.
I hate it when she pushes me to use it.
She would always ask questions.
Always. After a call, after my SMS.
That's why I told them to leave a message. I would always reply...
I thought she would be nice in a change.. But I was wrong.
The reason I lock my door, is to get rid of those tones I hate at home.
Those sad memories she bring.
Those hateful words he say.
It's always noisy, that's my reply if she asks why I lock it.
Noisy.. Television.. Phone.. Walking sounds.. The sounds of toys clashing one another.. Those irritating sound effects.. Those knocks at the door...
To me it sounds like bombs and bullets at my doorstep.
It's always quiet in my room, just the sound of my fan, no music.. Just book flipping and the sound of pencil scrapping on paper.
When she walks into my room, it's like she's absorbing all my secrets and memories kept in every place.
It just feels weird.
You may think I'm crazy.
But I'm sane enough to describe what I'm facing in reality.
I thought my mum would be like his mum... Sharing, never thought of taking back.. And will buy food whenever I want it...
I rarely buy food like this, mind you.
Especially eating and walking.
Or eating McD in a car.
I can't believe it.
Her tone.
Her hateful, mocking tone.
It makes me wanna hit something and break it.
I can't believe, she would even consider asking me to pay back her credits.
I can't believe, she asked me to use HER phone as MINE.
She could access to all my SMS if that's the case.
I would not have privacy..
Not even in my own room, she just barges in.. Even told me to not lock the door.
She would question me, all sorts of touchy questions.
She would mock me again, in her hateful tone, of all my guy friends.
I would not let her do that.
She would.. She would..
That's why, I don't use her phone.
I hate it when she pushes me to use it.
She would always ask questions.
Always. After a call, after my SMS.
That's why I told them to leave a message. I would always reply...
I thought she would be nice in a change.. But I was wrong.
The reason I lock my door, is to get rid of those tones I hate at home.
Those sad memories she bring.
Those hateful words he say.
It's always noisy, that's my reply if she asks why I lock it.
Noisy.. Television.. Phone.. Walking sounds.. The sounds of toys clashing one another.. Those irritating sound effects.. Those knocks at the door...
To me it sounds like bombs and bullets at my doorstep.
It's always quiet in my room, just the sound of my fan, no music.. Just book flipping and the sound of pencil scrapping on paper.
When she walks into my room, it's like she's absorbing all my secrets and memories kept in every place.
It just feels weird.
You may think I'm crazy.
But I'm sane enough to describe what I'm facing in reality.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Those things..
Living on life.
I'm lacking behind my studies really badly.
And I'm the only one to take the blame. Cause I can't blame it on him.
I just wanna distract myself from thinking too much about him.
so I can't tell others I just wanna stop thinking about him.
I think on other things instead.
I think too much till I forget things.
Which is bad.
Today is the 497 day since we became official <3
I missed you plenty.
I know you don't feel the same.
It's okay.
I wasn't expecting you to be.
I'm glad I saved someone from depression. But maybe I shouldn't get too kind hearted.
Or else they'll fall for me.
Which I don't want them to.
But I can't stop being kind DX
I'm glad he's alive.
He kept thanking me for my words.
But to me my words are nothing.
Only the people's happiness matters to me. I love seeing a smile.. <3
But ex darling, I wish I could see yours.
I know I never would unless I could surprise you in.
I would do it :)
Just to see you smile at me again.
But ssshh... Don't tell my nightmares, or else they'll take everything away from me
Thank you people for making me smile and happy :)
You know... I still remember those things we used to do.
Poking and hugging.
Making me laugh.
You making my day.
Us having the same dreams.
We both like blue.
We love berries <3
You hate anime. XD
Your my genius :P
I'm your dumbo X3
No doubts.
No regrets.
Caramel all the way.
Me love you more :D
Those words and billions more we said to each other <3
I'm lacking behind my studies really badly.
And I'm the only one to take the blame. Cause I can't blame it on him.
I just wanna distract myself from thinking too much about him.
so I can't tell others I just wanna stop thinking about him.
I think on other things instead.
I think too much till I forget things.
Which is bad.
Today is the 497 day since we became official <3
I missed you plenty.
I know you don't feel the same.
It's okay.
I wasn't expecting you to be.
I'm glad I saved someone from depression. But maybe I shouldn't get too kind hearted.
Or else they'll fall for me.
Which I don't want them to.
But I can't stop being kind DX
I'm glad he's alive.
He kept thanking me for my words.
But to me my words are nothing.
Only the people's happiness matters to me. I love seeing a smile.. <3
But ex darling, I wish I could see yours.
I know I never would unless I could surprise you in.
I would do it :)
Just to see you smile at me again.
But ssshh... Don't tell my nightmares, or else they'll take everything away from me
Thank you people for making me smile and happy :)
You know... I still remember those things we used to do.
Poking and hugging.
Making me laugh.
You making my day.
Us having the same dreams.
We both like blue.
We love berries <3
You hate anime. XD
Your my genius :P
I'm your dumbo X3
No doubts.
No regrets.
Caramel all the way.
Me love you more :D
Those words and billions more we said to each other <3
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Just a little bit sad...
I'm just talking to myself..
I am. So don't get me wrong :)
I'm just a little bit sad... Just a bit...
He wiped my entire existence off his profile.
Well I guess he's happy this way :)
I'll just stick to the game by playing dumb. Pretend I know nothing about it.
Pretend I'm not sad and I don't care...
But inside I'm just sad..
Just sad to think about it...
Well... I know I deserve it after all.
Luckily he can't wipe my living existence from earth. Thank god for that ><"
I deserve all of that.
After all I wanted to be friends..
It's for his safety after all I don't blame him for blocking me..
I wish I could just poke him just one ><
I miss him so much...
I wanna just distract myself.
Because my heart just aches.
Aches when I think about it.
It's sad... How everything turned out this way... It's my fault. After all I was desperate to stay on. I want him to make me promises... promised he would tell me at the end of the year...
But he didn't tell me... He didn't...
But I knew he doesn't want.
I just wanna hug somebody till the day ends.
But I can't show it. My sadness is too much to express. It ached too much till I wanna cut it all off.
I just wanna talk it all off. Talk till I don't wanna talk about it. Cry till I would stop thinking about him. It's almost a year. Since that day.
I know it wouldn't be the same.
I would be a stranger again then.
Till he notices me again one day.
I'll be too afraid to have him mine again
Too terrified to love him again.
It has became a habit.
He came within reach.
To call, to talk to.
But I know he would hate to do it.
I didn't want him to stop the things he's in. So I kept in the dark. Just hoping he would just see my name in the contact, whatever name he put for me.
It has become a habit.
I'm used to his avoidance.
Too used to his behaviour till I'm terrified to have him mine.
But as long as he stays that way hating me. I'll just stay on feeling ever the same since the first day.
I'm the dumbest person in the world.
For a guy maybe.
Cause I was bonded to him.
I'm a very committed person, if you can't stand seeing me serve you, then don't have me, cause I love making people happy.
At least I'm not dumb enough to make him notice me killing myself.
I am. So don't get me wrong :)
I'm just a little bit sad... Just a bit...
He wiped my entire existence off his profile.
Well I guess he's happy this way :)
I'll just stick to the game by playing dumb. Pretend I know nothing about it.
Pretend I'm not sad and I don't care...
But inside I'm just sad..
Just sad to think about it...
Well... I know I deserve it after all.
Luckily he can't wipe my living existence from earth. Thank god for that ><"
I deserve all of that.
After all I wanted to be friends..
It's for his safety after all I don't blame him for blocking me..
I wish I could just poke him just one ><
I miss him so much...
I wanna just distract myself.
Because my heart just aches.
Aches when I think about it.
It's sad... How everything turned out this way... It's my fault. After all I was desperate to stay on. I want him to make me promises... promised he would tell me at the end of the year...
But he didn't tell me... He didn't...
But I knew he doesn't want.
I just wanna hug somebody till the day ends.
But I can't show it. My sadness is too much to express. It ached too much till I wanna cut it all off.
I just wanna talk it all off. Talk till I don't wanna talk about it. Cry till I would stop thinking about him. It's almost a year. Since that day.
I know it wouldn't be the same.
I would be a stranger again then.
Till he notices me again one day.
I'll be too afraid to have him mine again
Too terrified to love him again.
It has became a habit.
He came within reach.
To call, to talk to.
But I know he would hate to do it.
I didn't want him to stop the things he's in. So I kept in the dark. Just hoping he would just see my name in the contact, whatever name he put for me.
It has become a habit.
I'm used to his avoidance.
Too used to his behaviour till I'm terrified to have him mine.
But as long as he stays that way hating me. I'll just stay on feeling ever the same since the first day.
I'm the dumbest person in the world.
For a guy maybe.
Cause I was bonded to him.
I'm a very committed person, if you can't stand seeing me serve you, then don't have me, cause I love making people happy.
At least I'm not dumb enough to make him notice me killing myself.
Monday, June 04, 2012
Thanks.
I'm so happy I can breathe.
For the time between us..
Made me just miss you even more <3
Gosh.. I'm so happy..
I could die right here... <3
Thank you for making my year ex darling
For the time between us..
Made me just miss you even more <3
Gosh.. I'm so happy..
I could die right here... <3
Thank you for making my year ex darling
Dear buddy <3
My dear best buddy, we've officially met each other on FB on April 6 2010. <3
Thank you for being my friend all along life's weary way. <3
Thank you for being there anytime when I didn't know you would be <3
Thank you for making my days throughout the years I've met you <3
Thank you for making me smile when I didn't knew I could. <3
Thank you for talking and just being with me online <3
Thank you for making my mourning to smiling. <3
Thank you for helping when I didn't ask for it <3
Thank you for posting on my FB wall and just make my existence there <3
Thank you for being the glue and make me stick together <3
My dear buddy thank you for making me me <3
ILY BUDDY <3
Thank you for being my friend all along life's weary way. <3
Thank you for being there anytime when I didn't know you would be <3
Thank you for making my days throughout the years I've met you <3
Thank you for making me smile when I didn't knew I could. <3
Thank you for talking and just being with me online <3
Thank you for making my mourning to smiling. <3
Thank you for helping when I didn't ask for it <3
Thank you for posting on my FB wall and just make my existence there <3
Thank you for being the glue and make me stick together <3
My dear buddy thank you for making me me <3
ILY BUDDY <3
Friday, May 25, 2012
Scolded.
I got scolded twice within 4 hours.
Scolded for stupid things...
Scolded for doing a right thing...
Scolded for a doing a kind thing...
I'm so sad today...
:'(
Firstly I got scolded by being too kind...
My family and I were walking back from the mall. One car was following us to our parking. The couple wanted to park our space. We got lost for a moment and found our car at the opposite side. I motioned the car to go to the other side. And then my mum got so pissed she yank the trolley and hit against both car side mirrors... I tried to stop her and she started scolding me for being so slow....
I was.. Only trying to be kind...
And I got scolded all the way out for 10 minutes... Saying things that I'll get kidnapped if I stop to give directions to strangers and all those crap....
Why are they being so.... Ugh...
Nvm.... They are just over protective that's all... That's all.... They'll change...
One day...
Then I got scolded for not being caring for my mum cause my church is having an event I said I would go help since last month...
My dad scolded this time kept saying I'm so inconsiderate and ignorant about my mum. She's going for a surgery. I'm not saying what surgery. But its not important. My dad said he never stopped me from going to church.
I wanted to scream at him saying " YEA SURE YOU DIDN'T STOP ME!!!! EVERYTIME I WANTED TO GO TO CHURCH ON FRIDAYS, WHO WAS THE ONE WHO STOPPED ME FROM GOING HUH?!?!?!?!"
But no. I kept quiet.. Just quiet... Silently crying.... Crying cause my heart hurts so much...
My dad kept scolding for 20 minutes.
Kept saying the same thing. Saying What's so great about the event, the event is nothing compared to my mum.
It is a church event.. I told him, I told them I would go and help on that day...
And he cuts in and say, "Ei it's your mum here going for surgery. Your event is not so important"
I'm so sad...
I'm so sad...
So so sad....
I'm still hurting inside.....
How can he say those words... About my church.. It's not like he's a christian.
God... God... God... Please... Take away my sadness... Take away my tears.... God....
I'm so sad....
I wish... I just wish there would be someone out there... Who could endure with me my sadness of the past.....
Someone.. Who can just hug me and just let me cry all my sadness out....
I just wanna let go of the tears....
Scolded for stupid things...
Scolded for doing a right thing...
Scolded for a doing a kind thing...
I'm so sad today...
:'(
Firstly I got scolded by being too kind...
My family and I were walking back from the mall. One car was following us to our parking. The couple wanted to park our space. We got lost for a moment and found our car at the opposite side. I motioned the car to go to the other side. And then my mum got so pissed she yank the trolley and hit against both car side mirrors... I tried to stop her and she started scolding me for being so slow....
I was.. Only trying to be kind...
And I got scolded all the way out for 10 minutes... Saying things that I'll get kidnapped if I stop to give directions to strangers and all those crap....
Why are they being so.... Ugh...
Nvm.... They are just over protective that's all... That's all.... They'll change...
One day...
Then I got scolded for not being caring for my mum cause my church is having an event I said I would go help since last month...
My dad scolded this time kept saying I'm so inconsiderate and ignorant about my mum. She's going for a surgery. I'm not saying what surgery. But its not important. My dad said he never stopped me from going to church.
I wanted to scream at him saying " YEA SURE YOU DIDN'T STOP ME!!!! EVERYTIME I WANTED TO GO TO CHURCH ON FRIDAYS, WHO WAS THE ONE WHO STOPPED ME FROM GOING HUH?!?!?!?!"
But no. I kept quiet.. Just quiet... Silently crying.... Crying cause my heart hurts so much...
My dad kept scolding for 20 minutes.
Kept saying the same thing. Saying What's so great about the event, the event is nothing compared to my mum.
It is a church event.. I told him, I told them I would go and help on that day...
And he cuts in and say, "Ei it's your mum here going for surgery. Your event is not so important"
I'm so sad...
I'm so sad...
So so sad....
I'm still hurting inside.....
How can he say those words... About my church.. It's not like he's a christian.
God... God... God... Please... Take away my sadness... Take away my tears.... God....
I'm so sad....
I wish... I just wish there would be someone out there... Who could endure with me my sadness of the past.....
Someone.. Who can just hug me and just let me cry all my sadness out....
I just wanna let go of the tears....
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Too late..
He bought a new phone just a day before his birthday. :)
It was a beautiful White phone..
Similar....
But bigger.
He got the app just a year later...
It was too late...
I wish he got that phone earlier...
Then we could have had more time for each other...
It was too late..
:'(
It was a beautiful White phone..
Similar....
But bigger.
He got the app just a year later...
It was too late...
I wish he got that phone earlier...
Then we could have had more time for each other...
It was too late..
:'(
Saturday, May 12, 2012
His birthday..
It was his birthday last week Wednesday.
I tried to make it special. :)
But.. It turned awkward... :(
Sort of..
Well.. At least he ate the cake :D
At least...
He doesn't know I designed it XD
Guess he never knew... :O
he couldn't eat the best piece on top of the cake.. My handmade chocolate Bday sign... I stayed up to made it..
Well, he gave it to the kids to eat..
At least I know it's tasty cause they said it.. :3
I wish he could eat it.. /:
Maybe someday when I make my special someone their birthday cake, they'll appreciate more..
At least he said thank you :')
But I wished he ate the chocolate piece..
I tried to make it special. :)
But.. It turned awkward... :(
Sort of..
Well.. At least he ate the cake :D
At least...
He doesn't know I designed it XD
Guess he never knew... :O
he couldn't eat the best piece on top of the cake.. My handmade chocolate Bday sign... I stayed up to made it..
Well, he gave it to the kids to eat..
At least I know it's tasty cause they said it.. :3
I wish he could eat it.. /:
Maybe someday when I make my special someone their birthday cake, they'll appreciate more..
At least he said thank you :')
But I wished he ate the chocolate piece..
Monday, May 07, 2012
Early celebration XP
Today we celebrate Jonathan's birthday early XP
It was supposed to be Wednesday :O
But I know he wouldn't come to school just to celebrate his Bday :)
So I made ordered a special cake for him :)
He wouldn't have a clue that I designed everything down to the last icing :P
Even the chocolate Bday sign.
Well, I'm happy he ate part of my creation(the cake) at least (:
Wished he ate the chocolate though.. /:
But today was the best day ever :D
Cause he said sorry and thank you :)
It was supposed to be Wednesday :O
But I know he wouldn't come to school just to celebrate his Bday :)
So I made ordered a special cake for him :)
He wouldn't have a clue that I designed everything down to the last icing :P
Even the chocolate Bday sign.
Well, I'm happy he ate part of my creation(the cake) at least (:
Wished he ate the chocolate though.. /:
But today was the best day ever :D
Cause he said sorry and thank you :)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Hurt feelings..
I now appreciate your chocolate comments more now my dear friends <3 thank you for complimenting how good they are :)
I can believe my dad will say that my chocolates are garbage.........
Just cause my mum asked me to use his fridge to put my chocolates in...
I'm so sad and hurt.... :'(
Thank you again for your compliments <3 I really appreciate them.
I can believe my dad will say that my chocolates are garbage.........
Just cause my mum asked me to use his fridge to put my chocolates in...
I'm so sad and hurt.... :'(
Thank you again for your compliments <3 I really appreciate them.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sad..
I don't get it you know..
Last night, I got scolded for tying up my long long long time no see cousin with long hair's hair.
She didn't even smile at my hairpiece..
She didn't even look at it...
She just bark me to go upstairs..
My sudden happiness being cut off.
My tears suddenly well up, and I went upstairs.. And I cried....
It pains me....
How come your mothers will say something good about you?...
How come.. She doesn't see the good out of it...
How come.....
She just doesn't know..
She doesn't know..
It's not her fault..
It's okay...
It's not her fault...
I'll just live on longer...
I wish I could be alone for a moment..
I wish she thanked me for carrying 5 heavy wooden doors for 300meters to the construction bins....
It was heavy...
She didn't say thank you...
It's okay...
It'll be all okay if my friends would just smile at me. :)
Last night, I got scolded for tying up my long long long time no see cousin with long hair's hair.
She didn't even smile at my hairpiece..
She didn't even look at it...
She just bark me to go upstairs..
My sudden happiness being cut off.
My tears suddenly well up, and I went upstairs.. And I cried....
It pains me....
How come your mothers will say something good about you?...
How come.. She doesn't see the good out of it...
How come.....
She just doesn't know..
She doesn't know..
It's not her fault..
It's okay...
It's not her fault...
I'll just live on longer...
I wish I could be alone for a moment..
I wish she thanked me for carrying 5 heavy wooden doors for 300meters to the construction bins....
It was heavy...
She didn't say thank you...
It's okay...
It'll be all okay if my friends would just smile at me. :)
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Out..
It's almost ten months since I get out from my house..
It was the first time ever after that day..
Since you left... I never found a reason to go outside.. I wasn't allowed to anyway, I was banned from going outside remember?
I see parents going out with their kids..
I see fathers playing with their sons..
I see kids playing with kids...
I see owners with their dogs...
I'm out alone..
Wandering about..
Running from home, hoping to go to some other place, your home was nearby, I was just within reach, you have no idea..
My father is in the mountains...
My mum was a cat in the house...
I was the only kid walking alone...
Wandering aimlessly...
Searching...
Hoping...
That you would just change your mind..
Coming over to meet me...
Just like last time...
Hoping.. And hoping, standing where we stood like an idiot.
Walking where we walked like a dog who lost it's master...
I wish my heart and mind could just throw away everything..
But I tried..
It just stick on closer like toffee..
When one memory flashed before me,
You have NO IDEA, how many more flashed past.
I would tell you, you would never believe me.
Eight months of memory flashed back.
Like someone had amnesia and suddenly got their memories back.
It was like I second for 8 flashes..
I counted.. Cause it's happening everytime.. That's why I can't forget..
Especially you..
I'm hoping someone better would just get me out of my misery..
My endless moping world..
I'm keeping myself busy to avoid thinking about you.
Especially when I'm making chocolates.
I have no memory of you linking to chocolates.
Only to caramel and toffee and bittersweet caramel.
But my mum stopped me from making chocolates anymore.
It's not like I can stop her...
So I stopped. And the flashback happens again and again...
I would be dazed for a while, everyday, cause too many flashed past before my eyes.
I just hope, better memories would cover them up, and let my heart learn it's too late.
But my heart was stubborn anyway.
A note of get well soon:
Get well soon Zack :D
It was the first time ever after that day..
Since you left... I never found a reason to go outside.. I wasn't allowed to anyway, I was banned from going outside remember?
I see parents going out with their kids..
I see fathers playing with their sons..
I see kids playing with kids...
I see owners with their dogs...
I'm out alone..
Wandering about..
Running from home, hoping to go to some other place, your home was nearby, I was just within reach, you have no idea..
My father is in the mountains...
My mum was a cat in the house...
I was the only kid walking alone...
Wandering aimlessly...
Searching...
Hoping...
That you would just change your mind..
Coming over to meet me...
Just like last time...
Hoping.. And hoping, standing where we stood like an idiot.
Walking where we walked like a dog who lost it's master...
I wish my heart and mind could just throw away everything..
But I tried..
It just stick on closer like toffee..
When one memory flashed before me,
You have NO IDEA, how many more flashed past.
I would tell you, you would never believe me.
Eight months of memory flashed back.
Like someone had amnesia and suddenly got their memories back.
It was like I second for 8 flashes..
I counted.. Cause it's happening everytime.. That's why I can't forget..
Especially you..
I'm hoping someone better would just get me out of my misery..
My endless moping world..
I'm keeping myself busy to avoid thinking about you.
Especially when I'm making chocolates.
I have no memory of you linking to chocolates.
Only to caramel and toffee and bittersweet caramel.
But my mum stopped me from making chocolates anymore.
It's not like I can stop her...
So I stopped. And the flashback happens again and again...
I would be dazed for a while, everyday, cause too many flashed past before my eyes.
I just hope, better memories would cover them up, and let my heart learn it's too late.
But my heart was stubborn anyway.
A note of get well soon:
Get well soon Zack :D
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Attempt.
My mum stabbed me with a scissors today..
Not funny.
She was too fast...
I didn't know what she was doing..
The spot she stabbed become red.
Luckily it was not deep.
I don't like it..
It's like she wants to kill me or something...
Cause we got into a small argument.
Know what's the argument about?
About whose the scissors belongs to.
Not funny.
She was too fast...
I didn't know what she was doing..
The spot she stabbed become red.
Luckily it was not deep.
I don't like it..
It's like she wants to kill me or something...
Cause we got into a small argument.
Know what's the argument about?
About whose the scissors belongs to.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Your so lucky..
Your so lucky to have a mum like yours..
I feel jealous when you can talk to your mum all about stuffs..
Like everything. From boyfriends to lovers to secrets..
I'm jealous that your mum can take whatever crap you told her.
I'm jealous that your mum can let you be hyper and not scold you about it.
But not too much..
I'm jealous that you have such a great dad that can understand you....
I'm jealous that your dad treats you like a grown up person more...
I'm jealous that your parents let you go out with your friends...
I'm jealous when you can go out whenever you want, even when your a girl..
I'm jealous you didn't need to keep secrets from your mum and dad..
I'm jealous that yr mum treats you like a grown up lady and gives you more space...
I'm jealous that your mum doesn't curse you that something stab you by accident...
I'm jealous that your mum doesn't poke you in all the stupid places...
Look at me....
My mum and your mum is different.
Mentioning different mums*
you know what's the stupidest thing I've ever heard?
Not letting me to go out and play badminton.
Your so lucky..
I'm so jealous..
But I know God made it this way so I can be a better person, to train me against all sins.
I know my weaknesses and I know my strength. I know my motivations and my distractions.
For now, I just want to distract myself and be busy.
So I wouldn't think about the Upcoming month. I'll be busy till then.
I feel jealous when you can talk to your mum all about stuffs..
Like everything. From boyfriends to lovers to secrets..
I'm jealous that your mum can take whatever crap you told her.
I'm jealous that your mum can let you be hyper and not scold you about it.
But not too much..
I'm jealous that you have such a great dad that can understand you....
I'm jealous that your dad treats you like a grown up person more...
I'm jealous that your parents let you go out with your friends...
I'm jealous when you can go out whenever you want, even when your a girl..
I'm jealous you didn't need to keep secrets from your mum and dad..
I'm jealous that yr mum treats you like a grown up lady and gives you more space...
I'm jealous that your mum doesn't curse you that something stab you by accident...
I'm jealous that your mum doesn't poke you in all the stupid places...
Look at me....
My mum and your mum is different.
Mentioning different mums*
you know what's the stupidest thing I've ever heard?
Not letting me to go out and play badminton.
Your so lucky..
I'm so jealous..
But I know God made it this way so I can be a better person, to train me against all sins.
I know my weaknesses and I know my strength. I know my motivations and my distractions.
For now, I just want to distract myself and be busy.
So I wouldn't think about the Upcoming month. I'll be busy till then.
Monday, April 16, 2012
It has been a long while...
It was January 15 since my last post.
I know it was a long time...
Sorry my friends /:
I guess I wasn't that much interested in paying attention to the time passing by anymore...
Cause I am sure, this month is still February...
But I look again in the calender...
It's almost May.
May.... May... The month of Jonathan's birthday.
I remember the first and the last time celebrating my first boyfriend's birthday.
It was so much fun. :)
I remember it all.
It was lunch time, Tessa and Michelle and Natasha and Alica and me, your ex loveable girlfriend. Plotting to make you go downstairs to celebrate your birthday. I remember it all, whatever you did and said. I pretended to go downstairs to get something. Alicia was the decoy in distracting him. Michelle and Tessa and Natasha was preparing the tables. I signalled them so Tessa could go up and pretend to panic that I fell down the stairs and sprain my ankle.
I remembered what Alicia told me.
Whatever you did upstairs... I wish I could see your face.. :')
Your panicking face... As you hurried down the stairs, John was in your way, but you pushed him away, and ran down like BAM BAM BAM!
I heard your footsteps, and I missed them everytime you run up and down the stairs. You seems to be I'm a hurry. In a hurry to be on my side that time.. Joanne was beside me, pinching me to make me scream and to bait me for you. It was hilarious I was giggling instead of screaming.
I almost laugh when you came down beside me and asked "are you okay?"
Joanne said "she sprained her ankle badly, she fell down the stairs.." she was hiding her laughter.
You were like "you dumbo... Where does it hurt?" I was trembling, but not of pain, but of joy and laughter.
Cause I was so happy that you actually fell for the trap XD
I didn't say anything in case I ruin everything, I just move my hand overt ankle. You said "can you stand up?" I shook me head. Joanne adds in and says, "I'll bring a chair". I could see that she was trying not to laugh too.
I remember so well...
You helped me up with your hand around my waist. Alicia came down with the others, but they are hiding. It was all going according to plan.
You helped me limp to the chair.
I almost flunk it. But he didn't notice. He helped me to the chair and Ms Krystal was there offering to bring the first aid kit. But I said no need. I saw the others trying to squish each other to come down.
Oh, the joy and happiness...
I remembered it all so so well...
I leaped out from the chair and give you a big hug!
I hugged you to prevent you from running away. And the people squeezed in from both stairs and came down and chorused with me. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Then there's presents.. Hugs... Cakes... Cream face... And laughter... And a big smile from you.
Everything... I remembered it all..
I can't seem to get rid of it.. The memory.. But I know it'll make you angry. So I'd decided to keep it.
You'd hate me if you know about it.
Maybe you say your changed now.
I don't believe you. But I know you didn't hate me as much as that day. :')
I was really really happy today. Because... You smiled.. To me. <3
I know it was a long time...
Sorry my friends /:
I guess I wasn't that much interested in paying attention to the time passing by anymore...
Cause I am sure, this month is still February...
But I look again in the calender...
It's almost May.
May.... May... The month of Jonathan's birthday.
I remember the first and the last time celebrating my first boyfriend's birthday.
It was so much fun. :)
I remember it all.
It was lunch time, Tessa and Michelle and Natasha and Alica and me, your ex loveable girlfriend. Plotting to make you go downstairs to celebrate your birthday. I remember it all, whatever you did and said. I pretended to go downstairs to get something. Alicia was the decoy in distracting him. Michelle and Tessa and Natasha was preparing the tables. I signalled them so Tessa could go up and pretend to panic that I fell down the stairs and sprain my ankle.
I remembered what Alicia told me.
Whatever you did upstairs... I wish I could see your face.. :')
Your panicking face... As you hurried down the stairs, John was in your way, but you pushed him away, and ran down like BAM BAM BAM!
I heard your footsteps, and I missed them everytime you run up and down the stairs. You seems to be I'm a hurry. In a hurry to be on my side that time.. Joanne was beside me, pinching me to make me scream and to bait me for you. It was hilarious I was giggling instead of screaming.
I almost laugh when you came down beside me and asked "are you okay?"
Joanne said "she sprained her ankle badly, she fell down the stairs.." she was hiding her laughter.
You were like "you dumbo... Where does it hurt?" I was trembling, but not of pain, but of joy and laughter.
Cause I was so happy that you actually fell for the trap XD
I didn't say anything in case I ruin everything, I just move my hand overt ankle. You said "can you stand up?" I shook me head. Joanne adds in and says, "I'll bring a chair". I could see that she was trying not to laugh too.
I remember so well...
You helped me up with your hand around my waist. Alicia came down with the others, but they are hiding. It was all going according to plan.
You helped me limp to the chair.
I almost flunk it. But he didn't notice. He helped me to the chair and Ms Krystal was there offering to bring the first aid kit. But I said no need. I saw the others trying to squish each other to come down.
Oh, the joy and happiness...
I remembered it all so so well...
I leaped out from the chair and give you a big hug!
I hugged you to prevent you from running away. And the people squeezed in from both stairs and came down and chorused with me. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Then there's presents.. Hugs... Cakes... Cream face... And laughter... And a big smile from you.
Everything... I remembered it all..
I can't seem to get rid of it.. The memory.. But I know it'll make you angry. So I'd decided to keep it.
You'd hate me if you know about it.
Maybe you say your changed now.
I don't believe you. But I know you didn't hate me as much as that day. :')
I was really really happy today. Because... You smiled.. To me. <3
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Thank God.
Thank God you are alive :'D
I guess you must be pretty pissed at those guys... /:
Who wouldn't?
I want to know what happened.
But I can't ask..
Or something bad will happen
I'm so worried.
Thank God you are safe. :)
You can't hear me say this to you.
I really want to call you now.
To text you.
Just to say.
Thank God you are still alive .
I guess you must be pretty pissed at those guys... /:
Who wouldn't?
I want to know what happened.
But I can't ask..
Or something bad will happen
I'm so worried.
Thank God you are safe. :)
You can't hear me say this to you.
I really want to call you now.
To text you.
Just to say.
Thank God you are still alive .
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