Sports day! Whee~

Today was sports day.
It was a really awesome day.
Until one of my friend got the first gold for running 100meter and I got second.
For the rest of the day I couldn't win her in anything and she's younger than me. I only got 2 silvers and a bronze.
Which is so depressing.
To me.
But my house was so happy.
And I was happy for them that they could get gold in their relay.
Jonathan was there today at sports day.
I caught him catching my glance twice.
But I know it is nothing.
It just hurts.
I saw my dad glaring at him like he's a terrorist. I was so unhappy.
I felt so sad. But I'm happy at the same time that he's here, watching us.
Thank god I'm the captain for green team.
I led the green house to second place!!
Better than last year which is third, under jonathan's leading.
Thank god we won second.
I could show him I could be better In leading than he did.
I'm happy we got second.
But we were ONE POINT away from blue. But I AM HAPPY!
I made a impression of a memory to him today. And I'm happy I did.
He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
Like I said before when I was with him.
"just by seeing your back, I'm happy"
I think he forgot. But no matter.
I was sad I couldn't win gold today.
My friend in red house did but her house got third BOOYAH IN YOUR FACE!!
But I still like him.
But his friend, was much kinder..
Thank god for him..
:') I'm happy I have such friends.
I never really had normal friends.
Till I came to CBC.
normal seems so big to me.
Another him came today.
Just to see his friends and me.
I feel kinda sorry for him.
He loves me plenty plenty.
But I don't feel anything for him.
I know I should be, but I can't feel that thing I had when I was with jonathan.
I think...
I lost it...
I can't feel the emotions of true love....
I lost it on the way of my reformation..
I really think I did...
I think, cause my system told me I would be just the way I was, happy by just being able to see him and able to live through the days till I see him again, never needing to talk, but still will love him.
I don't think he ever loved me who I am inside in the first place...
He never liked me being independent.
nor being stronger than him and having visible biceps. He doesn't like that.
I don't blame him.
I tried to change for him.
Even if they say never change who you are for the person, if you do they never loved you originally in the first place.
I loved him that's why I changed for him. He doesn't need to love me, he just needa talk to me, any sign of it, I want just a moment of it.
I could live through my life with that sign.
I'm so sorry to the boys who showed their affections to me.
I'm sorry, I can't love anybody for the moment.
I'm sorry to let you waste your time on me and not telling you I'm living on a broken heart with memories.
I feel really bad to the guy that's currently very very very in love with me, I felt really really bad I couldn't love him much much more than I could.
If I had amnesia, I would live on for tomorrow forgetting what I had in the past.
I would get Jonathan's memories. The first meeting, and his existence off my mind. By the means of someone's help in making me forget.
And it's free of charge.
I don't need a forgetting spell.
I just need a hypnotizing therapy.
To forget everything today.
And live on without knowing I had a sweet 16th year.

Sad, broken hearted, really sad, just a tad disappointed, really really sad, on the urge of going crazy and tears, just wishing on the thread of hope, and praying for the chance to happen.
-Me