First love

To the people who is in a relationship with a person who never had a girlfriend. 

Which means in other words,

You are the first love of someone else's life. 

Never let them go.

No matter what happens.

They speak words of honesty.

Their compliments couldn't be more true.

They are so innocent and naive. 

It's fun to be around them.

They see you as their whole world.

They see you as their everything.

They love you with their entire hearts because someone hasn't broken theirs before. 

Their actions couldn't be truer.

Their love couldn't be more sincere.

What they miss the most is you.

If you ever had the chance to find someone like that. 

You can consider yourself the luckiest person in the whole wide world.

Because your other significant self just considered you as their bestfriend in the whole wide world.

I know this.

Because I fell in love with such a person. 

I do consider him as my bestfriend.

And also my last partner I'll ever have. 

The word "FOREVER" may or may not frighten him.

But this is a word I'll use for our relationship. 

And I hope, with all my heart that it stays that way. 

Perfection

He's perfect. 

He's definitely perfect.

No doubt about it. 

He is definitely the perfect one. 

The little innocent things that he do.

The sweet and honest things he says.

Nothing coming out from him is a lie.

He's so funny at times.

He's level of sexiness hit LV999 when he's playing chess. 

But he doesn't know it. ;) 

The way he checkmates me, oh my kokoro cannot handle it. 

He may be imperfect.

But he's perfect enough for me.

He's definitely the one.

Forget about the flaws that he has.

He's mine and mine only forever. >:3

Nobody. 

And I mean nobody, is taking him away from me. 

He's mine, he's mine, he's mine.

He's so photogenic.

And his hair.... Screams*

Curly highlight brown locks. 

Valentines day is around the corner.

It's going to be a very special day!

Non Monday Blues

Mondays are always a blessing. 

Because it's the first day of the week I see him.

No Monday blues for me.

He's my coffee of the day.

Only that he is as sweet as royal honey.

Monday mornings are good. 

I can write again!

There is a time for grief.

And then there is a time for joy.

This year definitely bring joys for me.

All my grief is gone.

He who loves me in the Heavens had delivered my sorrow from the depths of my heart.

He replaced for me a boy whom is innocent by heart and whose love is pure.

He replaced my previous years grief and sorrows with joy and happiness for the many days to come.

All that happened had come to pass.

For good deeds will be favored and returned. 

I'm so blessed to have him in my life.

Someone whom I love so much and am so afraid to lose.

Happiness and joy spells my day. 

Sadness will never be with me.

His love is so pure and innocent, it is impossible to not believe in his words.

He looks at me with his gentle hazel eyes. 

With such affection that it melts my heart.

Sadness begone begone. 

Let not depression to grip my heart again.

I wish not to fall into the past crying day and night.

He's as precious as a gem, and as unpredictable as the day.

His mouth pours only honey and precious stones. 

There is no wickedness in his heart.

His hands do no evil deeds.

His mind as smart as a whip.

He works by day and night. 

But when time for merry comes, he will be merry.

His touches are as gentle as a lamb's and lips as soft as cotton.

His kisses are like golden opportunities.

Every one is worth as much as the other.

It would be a sin to not return as much as he honestly gives.

If there were to be sadness in his eyes, it feels as if my heart could break.

If he were to frown, it feels as if I could cry. 

When he smiles and laughs, my heart jumps with gladness.

If there comes a day when death makes us part. I hope I can be right after you so that I won't need to live a day without you. 

New year 2015

So, it's another new year.

I spent my new year in the Uk. 

But without my loved one, because he's in Ireland. 

I wanted to countdown with him in London. But he's not able to travel that far on his own yet. 

Anyway.. What could be worse than having your dad messaging you first thing in the morning of the new year and reminded you that you have turned 20?????? I really do think that's the worse thing that could start off the year...

I finally had a relationship that lasted till the new year. Hahaha, I know it's weird, but from all the relationships I had, none had lasted further than my birthday month. 

It's nice to have someone wishing you happy new year, merry Christmas, and all the other stuff. He's so sweet, he says the cutest stuff. Not to mention the sexy sounding stuff, even when he didn't mean to be sexy or any of that sort. 

I don't think he even knows he sounds sexy... 

He said he's going to buy me a present from Ireland, so I'm looking forward to it. 

Oh gosh. I can't wait for Monday to come, but yet I don't want it to come, because Monday have tests from school. 

Oh the horror...

Ever since before I came to UK, I never played chess, and I couldn't learn much about chess either, but then when I met him, he was the first person I played chess with. He's a vicious player but he's so gentle.

He's a Christian by the way. 

So, what could be more perfect than that? I don't know if the parents like me, but they certainly are friendly to me. 

His dad or mum doesn't seem like they want to kill me. They even prepared dinner for me. 

He said he misses me a lot, and it annoys him. Hahaha and he wishes me to be with him in Ireland, he's so sweet.

Probably it may seem normal to you, but, I haven't had someone to speak in such a way to me before, so I appreciate it a lot. 

The Fear...

It's been a solid month that my new boyfriend and I have been together. 

I love him a lot and he loves me too.

It's been a long while, that I haven't felt this way to any guy that I have ever dated. 

I know I shouldn't feel this way.

Because I'm his only bestfriend and girlfriend in his entire world. 

But I fear that I will lose him.

I fear that I will lose him as I once did to my first ex. 

I fear that I will plunge into that depression state once again.. For another God knows how long it will be.

When I'm with him, I feel that nothing can break us apart. 

Nothing in this world can seperate me from him.

The things that I have done in the past for my first boyfriend. 

He returns the favour with twice the love.

I feel that there is a churning monster just waiting to break out from me. 

Making me sick to my guts.

And it's telling me to fear that one day, when I will lose him. 

I know I won't lose him that easily.

But there's a small voice at the back of my mind that wouldn't shut up.

When I'm not with him. 

I feel that I'm threatened.

I feel nervous.. Worried... And tensed.

I feel like I can die from the sick churning inside of me if I don't call him. 

Or talk to him.

He doesn't know I feel this way.

I don't know if I should tell him this, I don't want to freak him out. 

He's really young, I shouldn't ruin his purity and innocence. 

I love him so much, I'm so afraid of losing him again...

At times, I do my best to ignore my phone and ignore the messages until night just to refrain myself from texting him like an overly attached girlfriend. 

I don't blame him if I freak him out.

Because I know I'm a freak.

And he's my nerdy freak.

He's my everything now.

I can't believe myself how paranoid I was back then.

Thinking everything is possible for my parents to find out about my big secret.

I did my best to hide everything..

I did my best to not show it...

I did my best to not feel it...

He's.. He's my precious secret..

So precious... 

My heart would really break if he's taken away from me..

I'd might even die from the sadness...

I've always wanted someone with your name on it.. 

Your everything I can ever ask for. 

Falling in love

Being able to fall in love all over again.

Was something I never thought about ever since four years ago.

Of all the boys I dated throughout those years, I tried to love them back, but it was all in vain. I tried and tried. But I couldn't fall in love with them. 

Then came this boy.. So pure and innocent. 

He was just so perfect. 

Just like him. He reminds me so much of him that it hurts. 

But this hurt is the ache of love.

I couldn't believe I can feel this ache ever since the last four years.

But I can feel it so bad.

My heart aches so much when I am with him because my heart is overflowing from love for him. 

I have lost the ability to write about love ever since four years ago. 

But now, it's a different passion.

He loves to read, knows how to write, does sports, play chess, keeps pets and loves cats and he's so smart. How sexy is that? <3 

He's my bestfriend and boyfriend.

What else can I ask for?

What did I ever do to deserve him? 

I love him so much. 

I never want to leave him. 

You may call me foolish. 

But I know what I want. 

He is what I want, and no one will take him away from me. 

Finally found someone to love <3

It's been 4 long years..

I was so weary and tired of ever finding my ability to ever love again.

Until he turned up <3 

So innocent and pure.

All for me. 

I'm feeling so selfish right now.

I want to keep him all to myself.

He's so cute with such gentle eyes.

My heart melts at his sight.

My skin tingles so much as he entwine his fingers through mine.

Oh.. This feeling... I never thought I can ever feel the same again even I have dated so many others. 

True love is still out there for those who haven't find it yet. 

Being an artist or a vet?

Being an artist is not easy

Especially if it is going to be your job 

It is difficult for some reputable company to be able to find you unless you show yourself and be able to stand out from others..

For this you will need tremendous luck.

Or even fame to start off. 

Being an artist won't pay you much unless you are famous from the start..

Being an artist nowadays is very competitive especially when artists are popping out of nowhere everywhere.

Almost everybody is doing arts..

Or some form of arts.

It's going to be difficult if you are not best of the best..

I wish I could take arts..

Since little my dream was to be able to draw and be an artist 24/7.

Soon the dream was shattered when my parents asks me to take on a stable job instead of a free lance artist..

I know I will do well in art..

A few people I know in reputable companies want me..

But unfortunately I'm not taking Arts..

I'm taking a science course..

Which is what my parents want...

My initial path was to go to Japan..

But now..

The path have diverted to England..

Sad ain't it?

I feel kinda sad myself.

I know I won't do much arts in science course..

Eventhough my mum kept saying I could draw as a hobby even though I take up vet sciences..

All that, I know, is bullshit.

Because a friend of mine doesn't even have time to sleep..

I know, what she said was fake...

But I know she would be dissapointed in me if I didn't go to sciences..

Perhaps I should go and stay in a forest with the tigers and have a tiger cub of my own..

And study forestry..

I hate this so much..

I hate those exams..

I hate those liars..

I hate it I hate it I hate it..

I even found myself a job by being an artist to draw for a colouring book for a church...

And my mum doesn't even know about it. 

Foolish words

You spoke to me as if I was a stupid little girl that had just came of age.

You spoke to me as if I was a crazy, naive little girl who is really horny and can't wait to sleep with guys in college. 

You spoke to me as if I was foolish enough to get pregnant and abandon all my studies. 

You spoke to me as if I was irresponsible enough to come back and show my face to you if I ever got pregnant without getting married yet. 

You spoke to me as if I was still your baby girl 15 years ago.

You think I never grew up? 

I was not the once stupid girl who got caught falling in love with someone I shouldn't have. 

You looked at me as if you were talking to a rebellious child who brought difficult problems upon the family. 

I do envy the others who have such immense love for their parents...

Because I have never felt that way...

You have two different faces until it's so difficult to talk to you. In a blink you can turn from loving to terrifying. 

I hate you for that. 

Because I can never really predict when you can be like that.

I wished you change. And call me by my name instead of "baby".

You scolded me when I told you to change. 

It's alright, I'll be gone soon and I won't be hearing that from your mouth anymore. 

Just because there are foolish teenagers out there doing stupid things, doesn't mean I am gullible enough to do what they are doing. 

Ridiculous guy.

So only until yesterday you start to see me the first time of the year only you send me the message??? 

Was it because my outlook appeal to you? 

Or because you know how I would calmly react to this? 

Screw you. 

Did it really took you TWO YEARS to realize all the while you were HURTING ME??? 

No wait. You DID REALIZE it but you just didn't want to talk to me. 

I don't know what made you do that or what. 

All I can see with my own eyes is that you DELIBERATELY AVOIDED me. 

So you actually knew I was hurt but you didn't want to have anything to do with me. You remembered but never bothered. I'm just so sick of it already. 

Great. 

So now I'm going to ignore that message and reply some other day. 

I was the girl whom you hurt so much but could give that whole hearted smile to you. Is it because of that you avoided my eye contact? 

You coward. You can't even ask me a question properly without asking your sister to do so for you.

But I'm glad you improved and now had the balls to do so. 

But seriously. This ain't working out. 

Knowing your despicable character for 2 years. I'm outta here. Now I can't imagine living with you forever. 

I really do hope you'll improve in the future. 

Now I had the reply I have waited for more than two years..

My wasted youth all for you. Just gone.

I'm so glad I wished up and improve on everything. I learned tons of things. 

And I was the better girl that you met. 

Thanks for sort of making me do all this. 

I even cosplay now. And I'm in the Chinese News for my art. 

These things I would never had achieved because you didn't supported me in this. 

I know you realized that now, cause your best friends are having a crush on me. 

Oh the irony.

I never intended it to turn out like this. But I can't help improving myself. 

P.S you were my regrets. I'm glad you finally said sorry for the things that you had done. Now I can move on. <3 

It's not something old ladies do

I must say, knowing how to knit does help after all! 

I fetched my brother for swimming classes and I waited there for him, to past the time I brought my knitting there.

The lady who sat beside me asked me where did I bought the materials to knit.

We talked a lot and I realised she stays in puteri 12, just right next door :P

But she doesn't knit, she crochets little dolls. She agreed with me too that the store that we get our stuff from is overpriced..

We talked till she had to leave and a while after that, another lady came up to me with her daughter. She's from Pakistan. And you would never believed it! She's a national swimmer and a representative from Pakistan!!  X3 

Oh my oh my! What luck :) 

She was speaking in her native tongue to her daughter while pointing at me. She asked me. Are you knitting a scarf. And I was like yes do you knit too? She does and she knits lots of scarves for winter. She's been in Malaysia for 4 years now ever since her husband got transferred to a Job here. 

Hahahaha what a day :) 

What a joker

Such a joker he is, but there are times when he doesn't know it's a serious thing to me.

It's been a while and he doesn't know what's happening to me, obviously. 

I can't believe he doesn't take these things seriously or that it's a thing that shouldn't be joked around. 

And when I was taking everything seriously he said it was all a joke to kick up a conversation. •_______• 

And he says "you know I joke around a lot" and blah blah blah. 

=.= 

Joking about these things when you have a girlfriend doesn't make me see you in any way different except that you don't mean your heart to her.

But he doesn't know. 

It's okay. 

Poor boy.

He will soon realize its too late. 

When it comes to this.

It's been awhile now.
There's been some serious thinking.
Over and over again..
I've been thinking about these 2 choices that would change my whole entire life.
But it's not for the bad though.
It's for education.
Once I have taken my last tests.
I would apply for one England's colleges.
And from there, I would proceed on to take on one of the rarest courses taken in their country.
Veterinary sciences.
And be part of the Royal Society of Veterinary Surgeons in England.
It's quite interesting when you think about it. The animals are fascinating. And very captivating.
But no one takes veterinary sciences.
No one.
Business and engineering and law courses are too common.
I had thought of going to America to study to become a physiotherapist.
But humans..
I don't like them.
Yes I love them as human creations.
But though animal has no souls.
But they are part of God's creations too.
I don't know whether it's my calling.
Or it's just God guiding me to this path.
I don't know.
But I know definitely.
I love animals, and I'm going to save them from the threat of mankind.
Well, another 8 years of study for me ~.~
I hope it will all end soon.

It's just so sad.

You know, it's just so sad. To see humanity is losing itself. To see the people believing in foolish lies and seeing them turn against each other.
Even my friends, it's sad to see how hard they tried to go against the government. It's so sad to see them go to the big PKR gathering and stand under the rain just to hear what Anwar has to say. Can't you guys see it?? He has other motives!! FOR HIMSELF!! you young lads have forgotten what he did to the people. Our own people.
Of course what he say was right. Because it was what you guys want to hear. Because what you guys don't want to hear is the Government can't be changed. It's just so sad to see the foolish people gather under one roof to hear what he has to say. And whatever this guy said he must have said exactly what you wanted to hear. You think he moved you? If you think of it that way.
The lies are so easily swallowed by the people, even the adults. The rumors and illogical ideas, like having 30,000 bangladesh to come to vote. NO!! it's a lie!! If it were possible. WHY AREN'T THERE 1000 JUMBO JETS LANDING IN MALAYSIA???? A Boeing can fit 300+ people. The idea is just illogical. My friends, I don't know whether you had read the newspaper. But I saw the truth in the papers while I tried to tell you guys it's all a lie..
I'm not a supporter of any sides. But I'm just happy we all still have rice and food. It's just sad to see these people go against the government when they had fed us.
Don't ever bite the hand that feeds you.

Guys growing up

Dear buddy,

Now I understand when you told me that you'd have fun watching boys grow up.
And you left me to find it out myself.
That was two years before.
But now I realised what you had meant.

Sincerely.

Ridiculous reality shows

Just today, I've only really sat down to watch a reality show.
It was a Chinese programme.
It was the last day of Chinese new year celebration so I was invited to it.
I can't believe what they are showing to society these days.
They actually showed a sort of dating show for random guys.
All the girls are like standing behind a pulpit with a red button in front of them.
And they can press the button if they don't find any interests in that guy or if they detest a feature of the guy.
Chinese girls these days are so... Despicable.

Terrifyingly despicable.
There was this one Canadian guy.
Who's real handsome for girls to fall for.
But oh no, they have so many things against it.
There were more than 20 girls there.
And some gave the most ridiculous reason for rejecting the the guy by pressing the button.
Examples. They showed a short clip about the guy. And when the girls rejected. They were questioned.
They answered a) because his chest and arms are so hairy, I don't love it.
b) his pets are allowed to climb all over him and they shed hairs.
c) because he's too tall, I want a 180" tall guy not a 178"
d) because he's to muscular, and because I like skinnier guys so I can lie my head on

OHMIGOSH!
The way I hear them speak in Chinese about those absolutely ridiculous reasons and rejecting that Canadian guy because of his outlook!!! Really really horrible.
And they showed it on national TV!!!!
how humiliating!
I have found a new reason to never watched any movies except for educational channels like animal planet :)

Useless programs like those realities show should never be viewed on tv.
Teaching young ladies to reject the guy because he was short by 2cm. Ridiculous!

Fish em b*tches

These three girls were my classmates.
The girl behind them is my best friend.
And this was their conversation on instagram.
I don't bother to blacken their faces.
But I want you three Asians to know.
That she is 100 times prettier inside and out than than you mean, vain, Asian girls.
No matter how pretty you girls think you are. Inside your heart is not pretty.
Just because she is Indian. Doesn't mean she is what your vain eyes see.
She's smarter than you guys.
She's graduating from her college.
And you know what?
All those years.
And you girls don't change.
I hope one day some guy will look at you and realize what you really are inside to people whom you look down on.
You girls are such bullies.
But no punishment was ever made cause we tolerate you. And I tolerated you girls.
You girls never helped to clean up the class and complained that I arranged the things on your tables.
You know what I got your class in the end????
WE GOT FIRST PRIZE FOR CLASS CLEANLINESS BECAUSE OF ME.
And you Said just before break that no matter what I do we won't get a prize.
Well, fish that.
You girls only know to go to the toilet every time and pretty yourself up.
And who the heck camwhores in toilets?

My best friend was blessed Because she wasn't at all vain, selfish, unkind. She works hard for her own results and she achieved them. She doesn't eat well nowadays cause she has to take care of her mum and she has to finish her course for college.
She lost a lot of weight.
I heard that you girls changed your attitudes. But from what I see now, you girls didn't change at all.

If I ever see you again.
I'll make sure to teach you girls a lesson on laughing at my friends.

A new year <3

A year is gonna end soon.
I'm still doing the same old stuff.
Staying home, locked up, doing work, alone.
Not everybody does that.
Most of them are probably strutting around malls and drinking beer and waiting for countdown.
No I don't do that.
I've been doing the same things all my life.
Nobody is trying to change that of Me.
If that somebody is here.
I'm alone.
At least I have Facebook. (:

There are four situations which I want to happen today.
But no it's not gonna happen.

If I was in Russia.
I'll find my best buddy. Drag him out into the cold winter. We'll have fun together all day long. I'll go sightseeing with him. Go at a bar and just hang out, waiting for countdown, admiring the fireworks, and just forget about reality. Just the two of us.
But it's not gonna happen.

If I was with my best friend.
I would dress her up and bring her to a bar and have fun dancing together. We would go window shopping all day long, we would go to anime shops and just laugh at their ridiculous stocks.We'll hang around and talk a lot about things that happened to us throughtout the year. We would cosplay at night as Kagamine twins and go to KL for an amazing countdown. Taking pictures. Just the two of us.
But that's not gonna happen.

If I was with my real boyfriend.
I would call him in the morning. Wish him a really nice day, and appear on his doorstep ready to spend the while day with him, I'll call his workplace and tell his boss he won't be coming today. I'll walk with him in the mall, just laughing and talking, eating lunch and being funny, taking special moments together. And wait for night to fall. And then we go to a bar and dance together and have fun. We'll wait for countdown together, and we'll hug and kiss under the fireworks. Takes a picture*. Just the two of us.
But that's not gonna happen.

If I was gonna spend the last day of the year now with my ex.
I'd say, " no, i'm spending the whole day with someone who actually loves me back, and I'm busy making chocolates for him today, so have a happy new year with someone else that does the same to you.
Bye"
This is happening. (;

A week

It's just a week before school starts.
When did the holidays go to?
And Christmas??
A year gone.
I just realized someone just pressed the fast forward button.
I've wasted a year.
It's like I'm still 16...