Second day of convention

Last night a kid stayed up really late crying for her family.
She's really homesick.
She wanted to call her mum to pick her back home.
She wants to go to out teachers room to tell her that. But she's afraid.
I wish I could really tell her to grow up, you can't stick to your momma always.
But no, I stick by her till late midnight and tell her.
It's going to end soon everything is going to end really soon, just hold out a bit longer. Your friends are here and they need you.
I repeat this sentence.
And pat her till she went to sleep.
I was never like this.
I never cried when I first left my home. Cause my mum was very strict. Very very strict.
I almost never cried when I'm in my childhood.
I was never a crybaby.
Even when I was alone and I fell down. I always pick myself up and dust off the dirt and walk on.
No one was there and I never cried.
I was a weird child.
My parents had no problems with me. Cause I don't make fusses.
I grew up learning to live by myself.
With the continuing words from my parents.
Those words are harsh.
Never comforting.
If you would hear them you would be scared.
I never make sobbing sounds when I cry. Even in public.
But I can't stop tears coming.
They just flow.
But I'm very silent.
When I cry.
It seems almost weird to you.
That's how I am.
I'm sorry I never cried when you are here even once Jonathan.
You couldn't see me cry like a girl.
I'm sorry. I never seem to give you a chance to comfort me.
I'm sorry.
I miss you so much everyday

First day of convention

It's almost 12noon.
We arrived at school.
The bus came, we boarded and set off.
We reached at 2pm. It was in KL rawang.
They are all here. Competitors and haters. I wish I could have some fun senses like you do, Jonathan.
You seem to make us have some fun.
Like you said on Facebook.
How can we have fun when we know they are here to beat you.
I never have fun in competitions.
That's why competitions are so tense. Cause I don't have fun.
I wish your here. Just here.
It doesn't have to be with me. But I wish you were just here.
I have no events on the first day.
So I helped the kids to get ready.
I'm in the same dorm with my school juniors. So I'm responsible for them.
I see the other school's people are here. CA, The Seed. and plenty more others ASAA, victory life, Saint Patrick, etc. I don't miss them.
Thank goodness some of my friends are friends with them.
I'm just not born to mix like them.
I mind my business.
I don't contact them.
Ever since last year.
I'm not jealous either that my friends could blend well and socialise.
I'm happy for them.
So I leave them alone.

The day before convention

It was a really stressful day.
I'm having some self reflection.
Packing for the day.
I am controlling my thoughts, so I wouldn't give myself excuses I could lose to them.
Just because that other people have training everyday doesn't mean I can't beat them too.
Just because they have piano classes doesn't mean I can't play as well as they do.
Just because they are good doesn't mean I can't be better than them.
I tell this to myself so that I won't make excuses to myself when I lose.
I tell myself.
If I don't win this it's okay. Because I could win in others.
But if I don't get medals back.
I'll have a hard time.
I scare myself mentally so I can do well in convention.
Don't blame me if I sound weird to you.
I was brought up this way.
I prayed before I sleep.
I pray for a miracle to happen.

This reminded me of last years convention.
It's just that you weren't here.
It's okay. I pretend that you are. Just that you are sleeping in the dorms that's all.
I still remember those days clearly.
I miss you.

Sports day! Whee~

Today was sports day.
It was a really awesome day.
Until one of my friend got the first gold for running 100meter and I got second.
For the rest of the day I couldn't win her in anything and she's younger than me. I only got 2 silvers and a bronze.
Which is so depressing.
To me.
But my house was so happy.
And I was happy for them that they could get gold in their relay.
Jonathan was there today at sports day.
I caught him catching my glance twice.
But I know it is nothing.
It just hurts.
I saw my dad glaring at him like he's a terrorist. I was so unhappy.
I felt so sad. But I'm happy at the same time that he's here, watching us.
Thank god I'm the captain for green team.
I led the green house to second place!!
Better than last year which is third, under jonathan's leading.
Thank god we won second.
I could show him I could be better In leading than he did.
I'm happy we got second.
But we were ONE POINT away from blue. But I AM HAPPY!
I made a impression of a memory to him today. And I'm happy I did.
He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
Like I said before when I was with him.
"just by seeing your back, I'm happy"
I think he forgot. But no matter.
I was sad I couldn't win gold today.
My friend in red house did but her house got third BOOYAH IN YOUR FACE!!
But I still like him.
But his friend, was much kinder..
Thank god for him..
:') I'm happy I have such friends.
I never really had normal friends.
Till I came to CBC.
normal seems so big to me.
Another him came today.
Just to see his friends and me.
I feel kinda sorry for him.
He loves me plenty plenty.
But I don't feel anything for him.
I know I should be, but I can't feel that thing I had when I was with jonathan.
I think...
I lost it...
I can't feel the emotions of true love....
I lost it on the way of my reformation..
I really think I did...
I think, cause my system told me I would be just the way I was, happy by just being able to see him and able to live through the days till I see him again, never needing to talk, but still will love him.
I don't think he ever loved me who I am inside in the first place...
He never liked me being independent.
nor being stronger than him and having visible biceps. He doesn't like that.
I don't blame him.
I tried to change for him.
Even if they say never change who you are for the person, if you do they never loved you originally in the first place.
I loved him that's why I changed for him. He doesn't need to love me, he just needa talk to me, any sign of it, I want just a moment of it.
I could live through my life with that sign.
I'm so sorry to the boys who showed their affections to me.
I'm sorry, I can't love anybody for the moment.
I'm sorry to let you waste your time on me and not telling you I'm living on a broken heart with memories.
I feel really bad to the guy that's currently very very very in love with me, I felt really really bad I couldn't love him much much more than I could.
If I had amnesia, I would live on for tomorrow forgetting what I had in the past.
I would get Jonathan's memories. The first meeting, and his existence off my mind. By the means of someone's help in making me forget.
And it's free of charge.
I don't need a forgetting spell.
I just need a hypnotizing therapy.
To forget everything today.
And live on without knowing I had a sweet 16th year.

Sad, broken hearted, really sad, just a tad disappointed, really really sad, on the urge of going crazy and tears, just wishing on the thread of hope, and praying for the chance to happen.
-Me

Nosy ppl should stay not knowing stuff

How I wish people arent so nosy.
It's other people's private information afterall.
Last Saturday was one of my guy friend birthday.
And just because I'm getting his cake ready for him for so many days, my mum asked, "so he is admiring you?"
OH PUH-LEASE. just because I'm getting his birthday party a perfect surprise DOESN'T MEAN HE'S ADMIRING ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!
I HATE IT WHEN MY MUM JUST ASSUMES THAT QUESTION FOR ME TO ANSWER!!!!
he's a year younger than me for god's sake!!! And I'm not interested in him!!! NEVER!!
And she forbids me to do any of these things in the future!!!! WHAT DID I EVER DID WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
just because I wanna give a person my personal touch in the cake I get forbidden =_=
Fffffuuuuukkk.... =3=

On Saturday was sports practice.
She bought a 100plus drink for me.
She said I can only drink it AFTER PRACTICES.
WHAT THE FUK!!!!!
YOIR SUPPOSE TO DRINK IT DURING SPORTS SO WE DON'T GET TIRED!!!!! I need it during the practice and she threatens that she won't buy anymore for me if I drink it now.
SHE MAKES ME SO UUUUUGGGHH!!!!!!!!!
I'm angry, sad, frustrated, pissed, feeling hot and blood rushing, and memories flash and then boom.
I just clench and unclench my fist and walk off. Feeling on the urge to spill angry tears.
I ran not so well after that, cause my mouth tasted funny and my stomach weird. I need that drink!!!
After one race I walked back unsteadily, just planning to drink it before I get sick in the stadium and risking all future treats....
She asked whether practices are over I just lied to her it's finished and thankfully gulp down the beverage...
I didn't ran anymore. Cause my stomach felt uncomfortable...
All her fault...
She just smirk when I walked away.
I hate it a lot.
But. I. Will. Tolerate.
For god's sake.
And then when we were walking back.
My mum asked whether one of my friend has a boyfriend.
I just said I don't know, cause I don't give info like these to her.
My bro butts in with his stinky mouth and said yes she does and it's XXX.
he just has to say it.
So I just shouted back, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!! THEY BROKE UP LONG AGO!!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NOSY!!!!
JUST STAY NOT KNOWING!!!
She snaps back and glares at me and tells me to watch my mouth.
My week just ended pretty badly so yea....
Dealing with these questions.

It's okay..
Cause she doesn't know...
I still love him.
<3