Just so you know..

I have a little more trust in you now to do our props <3

But anyways, today is the day I discovered the reason why Jonathan doesn't want to be a nice guy.
Cause every girl will start to chase a nice person.
Like I am now.
I'm being too nice....
gosh, what did I get myself into... =3=
you don't wanna know ><

John said imma art genius XD
Yesterday Esther said imma genius X3
hahahahahahahaha <3
their words always boost up my motivations.

My mum gossiped about me being not good at study but being good only at arts. She kept saying about it like I'm worthless and I can't study and can only shut up in my room doing God knows what.
I'm feeling so sad....
Especially when both of them are home. I feel so drained....
Every happiness seem to drain from me, and it's replaced by fake smile and words till one of them is gone for the next whole week.

If they would know of my lost secret.
Everything would collapse.. ^^

If they would know all my desires and thoughts.
That would be the day of my death.

Those hateful things...

I'm never eating using her money ever again...
I thought my mum would be like his mum... Sharing, never thought of taking back.. And will buy food whenever I want it...
I rarely buy food like this, mind you.
Especially eating and walking.
Or eating McD in a car.
I can't believe it.
Her tone.
Her hateful, mocking tone.
It makes me wanna hit something and break it.
I can't believe, she would even consider asking me to pay back her credits.
I can't believe, she asked me to use HER phone as MINE.
She could access to all my SMS if that's the case.
I would not have privacy..
Not even in my own room, she just barges in.. Even told me to not lock the door.
She would question me, all sorts of touchy questions.
She would mock me again, in her hateful tone, of all my guy friends.
I would not let her do that.
She would.. She would..
That's why, I don't use her phone.
I hate it when she pushes me to use it.
She would always ask questions.
Always. After a call, after my SMS.
That's why I told them to leave a message. I would always reply...
I thought she would be nice in a change.. But I was wrong.
The reason I lock my door, is to get rid of those tones I hate at home.
Those sad memories she bring.
Those hateful words he say.
It's always noisy, that's my reply if she asks why I lock it.
Noisy.. Television.. Phone.. Walking sounds.. The sounds of toys clashing one another.. Those irritating sound effects.. Those knocks at the door...
To me it sounds like bombs and bullets at my doorstep.
It's always quiet in my room, just the sound of my fan, no music.. Just book flipping and the sound of pencil scrapping on paper.
When she walks into my room, it's like she's absorbing all my secrets and memories kept in every place.
It just feels weird.


You may think I'm crazy.
But I'm sane enough to describe what I'm facing in reality.

Those things..

Living on life.
I'm lacking behind my studies really badly.
And I'm the only one to take the blame. Cause I can't blame it on him.
I just wanna distract myself from thinking too much about him.
so I can't tell others I just wanna stop thinking about him.
I think on other things instead.
I think too much till I forget things.
Which is bad.
Today is the 497 day since we became official <3
I missed you plenty.
I know you don't feel the same.
It's okay.
I wasn't expecting you to be.


I'm glad I saved someone from depression. But maybe I shouldn't get too kind hearted.
Or else they'll fall for me.
Which I don't want them to.
But I can't stop being kind DX
I'm glad he's alive.
He kept thanking me for my words.
But to me my words are nothing.
Only the people's happiness matters to me. I love seeing a smile.. <3

But ex darling, I wish I could see yours.
I know I never would unless I could surprise you in.
I would do it :)
Just to see you smile at me again.
But ssshh... Don't tell my nightmares, or else they'll take everything away from me
Thank you people for making me smile and happy :)

You know... I still remember those things we used to do.
Poking and hugging.
Making me laugh.
You making my day.
Us having the same dreams.
We both like blue.
We love berries <3
You hate anime. XD
Your my genius :P
I'm your dumbo X3
No doubts.
No regrets.
Caramel all the way.
Me love you more :D

Those words and billions more we said to each other <3

Just a little bit sad...

I'm just talking to myself..
I am. So don't get me wrong :)
I'm just a little bit sad... Just a bit...
He wiped my entire existence off his profile.
Well I guess he's happy this way :)
I'll just stick to the game by playing dumb. Pretend I know nothing about it.
Pretend I'm not sad and I don't care...
But inside I'm just sad..
Just sad to think about it...
Well... I know I deserve it after all.
Luckily he can't wipe my living existence from earth. Thank god for that ><"
I deserve all of that.
After all I wanted to be friends..
It's for his safety after all I don't blame him for blocking me..
I wish I could just poke him just one ><
I miss him so much...
I wanna just distract myself.
Because my heart just aches.
Aches when I think about it.
It's sad... How everything turned out this way... It's my fault. After all I was desperate to stay on. I want him to make me promises... promised he would tell me at the end of the year...
But he didn't tell me... He didn't...
But I knew he doesn't want.
I just wanna hug somebody till the day ends.
But I can't show it. My sadness is too much to express. It ached too much till I wanna cut it all off.
I just wanna talk it all off. Talk till I don't wanna talk about it. Cry till I would stop thinking about him. It's almost a year. Since that day.
I know it wouldn't be the same.
I would be a stranger again then.
Till he notices me again one day.
I'll be too afraid to have him mine again
Too terrified to love him again.
It has became a habit.
He came within reach.
To call, to talk to.
But I know he would hate to do it.
I didn't want him to stop the things he's in. So I kept in the dark. Just hoping he would just see my name in the contact, whatever name he put for me.
It has become a habit.
I'm used to his avoidance.
Too used to his behaviour till I'm terrified to have him mine.
But as long as he stays that way hating me. I'll just stay on feeling ever the same since the first day.

I'm the dumbest person in the world.
For a guy maybe.
Cause I was bonded to him.
I'm a very committed person, if you can't stand seeing me serve you, then don't have me, cause I love making people happy.
At least I'm not dumb enough to make him notice me killing myself.

Thanks.

I'm so happy I can breathe.
For the time between us..
Made me just miss you even more <3
Gosh.. I'm so happy..
I could die right here... <3
Thank you for making my year ex darling

Dear buddy <3

My dear best buddy, we've officially met each other on FB on April 6 2010. <3

Thank you for being my friend all along life's weary way. <3

Thank you for being there anytime when I didn't know you would be <3

Thank you for making my days throughout the years I've met you <3

Thank you for making me smile when I didn't knew I could. <3

Thank you for talking and just being with me online <3

Thank you for making my mourning to smiling. <3

Thank you for helping when I didn't ask for it <3

Thank you for posting on my FB wall and just make my existence there <3

Thank you for being the glue and make me stick together <3

My dear buddy thank you for making me me <3

ILY BUDDY <3