Hurt feelings..

I now appreciate your chocolate comments more now my dear friends <3 thank you for complimenting how good they are :)


I can believe my dad will say that my chocolates are garbage.........
Just cause my mum asked me to use his fridge to put my chocolates in...
I'm so sad and hurt.... :'(


Thank you again for your compliments <3 I really appreciate them.

Sad..

I don't get it you know..
Last night, I got scolded for tying up my long long long time no see cousin with long hair's hair.
She didn't even smile at my hairpiece..
She didn't even look at it...
She just bark me to go upstairs..
My sudden happiness being cut off.
My tears suddenly well up, and I went upstairs.. And I cried....
It pains me....
How come your mothers will say something good about you?...
How come.. She doesn't see the good out of it...
How come.....
She just doesn't know..
She doesn't know..
It's not her fault..
It's okay...
It's not her fault...

I'll just live on longer...
I wish I could be alone for a moment..
I wish she thanked me for carrying 5 heavy wooden doors for 300meters to the construction bins....
It was heavy...
She didn't say thank you...
It's okay...

It'll be all okay if my friends would just smile at me. :)

Out..

It's almost ten months since I get out from my house..
It was the first time ever after that day..
Since you left... I never found a reason to go outside.. I wasn't allowed to anyway, I was banned from going outside remember?

I see parents going out with their kids..
I see fathers playing with their sons..
I see kids playing with kids...
I see owners with their dogs...

I'm out alone..
Wandering about..
Running from home, hoping to go to some other place, your home was nearby, I was just within reach, you have no idea..
My father is in the mountains...
My mum was a cat in the house...
I was the only kid walking alone...
Wandering aimlessly...
Searching...
Hoping...
That you would just change your mind..
Coming over to meet me...
Just like last time...
Hoping.. And hoping, standing where we stood like an idiot.
Walking where we walked like a dog who lost it's master...
I wish my heart and mind could just throw away everything..
But I tried..
It just stick on closer like toffee..
When one memory flashed before me,
You have NO IDEA, how many more flashed past.
I would tell you, you would never believe me.
Eight months of memory flashed back.
Like someone had amnesia and suddenly got their memories back.
It was like I second for 8 flashes..
I counted.. Cause it's happening everytime.. That's why I can't forget..
Especially you..

I'm hoping someone better would just get me out of my misery..
My endless moping world..

I'm keeping myself busy to avoid thinking about you.
Especially when I'm making chocolates.
I have no memory of you linking to chocolates.
Only to caramel and toffee and bittersweet caramel.

But my mum stopped me from making chocolates anymore.
It's not like I can stop her...
So I stopped. And the flashback happens again and again...
I would be dazed for a while, everyday, cause too many flashed past before my eyes.
I just hope, better memories would cover them up, and let my heart learn it's too late.

But my heart was stubborn anyway.


A note of get well soon:
Get well soon Zack :D

Attempt.

My mum stabbed me with a scissors today..
Not funny.
She was too fast...
I didn't know what she was doing..
The spot she stabbed become red.
Luckily it was not deep.
I don't like it..
It's like she wants to kill me or something...
Cause we got into a small argument.
Know what's the argument about?
About whose the scissors belongs to.

Your so lucky..

Your so lucky to have a mum like yours..

I feel jealous when you can talk to your mum all about stuffs..
Like everything. From boyfriends to lovers to secrets..
I'm jealous that your mum can take whatever crap you told her.
I'm jealous that your mum can let you be hyper and not scold you about it.
But not too much..
I'm jealous that you have such a great dad that can understand you....
I'm jealous that your dad treats you like a grown up person more...
I'm jealous that your parents let you go out with your friends...
I'm jealous when you can go out whenever you want, even when your a girl..
I'm jealous you didn't need to keep secrets from your mum and dad..
I'm jealous that yr mum treats you like a grown up lady and gives you more space...
I'm jealous that your mum doesn't curse you that something stab you by accident...
I'm jealous that your mum doesn't poke you in all the stupid places...


Look at me....
My mum and your mum is different.
Mentioning different mums*
you know what's the stupidest thing I've ever heard?
Not letting me to go out and play badminton.

Your so lucky..
I'm so jealous..
But I know God made it this way so I can be a better person, to train me against all sins.

I know my weaknesses and I know my strength. I know my motivations and my distractions.

For now, I just want to distract myself and be busy.
So I wouldn't think about the Upcoming month. I'll be busy till then.

It has been a long while...

It was January 15 since my last post.

I know it was a long time...
Sorry my friends /:

I guess I wasn't that much interested in paying attention to the time passing by anymore...
Cause I am sure, this month is still February...

But I look again in the calender...
It's almost May.
May.... May... The month of Jonathan's birthday.
I remember the first and the last time celebrating my first boyfriend's birthday.
It was so much fun. :)
I remember it all.
It was lunch time, Tessa and Michelle and Natasha and Alica and me, your ex loveable girlfriend. Plotting to make you go downstairs to celebrate your birthday. I remember it all, whatever you did and said. I pretended to go downstairs to get something. Alicia was the decoy in distracting him. Michelle and Tessa and Natasha was preparing the tables. I signalled them so Tessa could go up and pretend to panic that I fell down the stairs and sprain my ankle.
I remembered what Alicia told me.
Whatever you did upstairs... I wish I could see your face.. :')
Your panicking face... As you hurried down the stairs, John was in your way, but you pushed him away, and ran down like BAM BAM BAM!
I heard your footsteps, and I missed them everytime you run up and down the stairs. You seems to be I'm a hurry. In a hurry to be on my side that time.. Joanne was beside me, pinching me to make me scream and to bait me for you. It was hilarious I was giggling instead of screaming.

I almost laugh when you came down beside me and asked "are you okay?"
Joanne said "she sprained her ankle badly, she fell down the stairs.." she was hiding her laughter.
You were like "you dumbo... Where does it hurt?" I was trembling, but not of pain, but of joy and laughter.
Cause I was so happy that you actually fell for the trap XD

I didn't say anything in case I ruin everything, I just move my hand overt ankle. You said "can you stand up?" I shook me head. Joanne adds in and says, "I'll bring a chair". I could see that she was trying not to laugh too.

I remember so well...
You helped me up with your hand around my waist. Alicia came down with the others, but they are hiding. It was all going according to plan.
You helped me limp to the chair.
I almost flunk it. But he didn't notice. He helped me to the chair and Ms Krystal was there offering to bring the first aid kit. But I said no need. I saw the others trying to squish each other to come down.

Oh, the joy and happiness...
I remembered it all so so well...
I leaped out from the chair and give you a big hug!
I hugged you to prevent you from running away. And the people squeezed in from both stairs and came down and chorused with me. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Then there's presents.. Hugs... Cakes... Cream face... And laughter... And a big smile from you.
Everything... I remembered it all..
I can't seem to get rid of it.. The memory.. But I know it'll make you angry. So I'd decided to keep it.
You'd hate me if you know about it.

Maybe you say your changed now.
I don't believe you. But I know you didn't hate me as much as that day. :')

I was really really happy today. Because... You smiled.. To me. <3