Forget

My sadness only brings destruction to my own self.
Destroying my future with you.
I can only find a new way.
I have to find one before it's too late to change...
I don't have the strength to eliminate those feelings myself...
I know I can't.
Cause my heart was too attached to you. It was stupid of me not to let go.
My depression is pulling me down.
If I don't get rid of it now, it'll only make me die.
Now I have a chance to erase everything.
Your existence from my memories.
I want to erase my memory of my first meeting with you.
And everything else after that.
My happiness with you.
My memories with you.
Our firsts.
Our dates.
Our tears.
My sadness.
Your anger.
My depression.
Your hatred.
I want to erase all that.
Erase my 16th year memories.
Forget about your birthday.
Forget about getting a Christmas present for you.
Forget about thinking about you on valentines day.
It has been the same everyday.
I could not cease thinking about you.
You don't know how I feel.
You don't need to know my pain.
Cause you don't want to care anymore.
Don't have anything to do with me.
And avoid me.
Like I'm a freak.
I won't wake up.
I don't wanna wake up knowing about you.
I wanna wake up losing my 16th year memories.
So that I could worry about you no more..
I loved you for more than a year.
We didn't last for 8 months.
I had loved you always.
You never noticed.
It's okay.
You never wanted my love anymore.
I want to erase my love for you to the depths of my memories where I will never touch.
I hope it will never resurface again.
Because I could never love you the same.


I prefer to die, than remembering everything when I wake up
Than I would be a total stranger to you if I wake up.

Omgeeee!!

OMG OMG OMG OMGEEEE!!!
Jonathan is driving!!! 8DDD
Well that's not new news cause I know it since last year.
BUT I DIDN'T SEE HIM DRIVE BEFORE!!!! 8DDD and now I did!!
And I was like WHOOOAAAAAA!!! 8D
Kakoi desu!!!!! X3

But oh well...
And reality came crashing...
He's not mine anymore...
He promised he would take me for a drive.
But he has forgotten about it I assume.
He would drive me for a round, if I were his. I knew he would.
But no. He wouldn't now.
He wouldn't...
It's just so sad...
I want a hug.. Just to hug them and just cry... And be depressed and mope..
Just regretting.. Why was I like this...
Why didn't I stop it... Why didn't I do my best to change for him just cause I love him so much...

My depression is as worse as a housewife getting a divorce... :'(

My time alone.

Ever since the day he left me.
I was in a big depression.
A really really big one.
And a long one.
Till now.
I'm still suffering the aftermath of it.
My friends all felt bad for me.
They knew how much I loved him, even when they at first doubted it to be a puppy love. They felt so very sad for me. I felt so bad having them to pity me.
I felt like a pathetic being.
But... It was all about big time depression.
I couldn't stop crying. Luckily it was when I went back home. I walked up to my room calmly without raising any suspicion. My mum fetched me that day. I could praise myself to hold such emotions back till I can shut myself off the world.
I start crying the way Juliet did on her bed. And cried.. And cried...
Till dinner, I realised I can't have red puffy eyes for dinner, I tried to stop.
Yes it worked by me scalding my face with hot water then cold. And it went from red to pink. So it looks natural.
So they won't ask.
For the sake of scolding.

In school I couldn't stand it, my friends kept asking me what happened, I don't blame them for wanting to know what broke us apart. Cause nothing can ever separated us when we were together.
Not even his parents or headmaster.
We were the inseparable couple.
I wanted it to stay that way.
But I guess in some part of the world.
Those people doesn't agree.
I know they don't.
They insult them..
I hate it when they insult.
I'm afraid that God will punish me cause I'm their child.

Time passes on and on.. One month.. Two months... One year..
My depression didn't lessen...
And it's beginning to show on my grades.. I can't tell them the reason...
They'll say I'm stupid for using such an excuse. I don't tell them why..
Maybe my brain just had an enormous breakdown. That is not making my brain functioning properly.
I'm forgetting things within 30 seconds.
When my mum asks me to do two things, I'll always miss either one.
So I always get scolded.
I don't understand why, I forgot about it in a snap. There was once a time when my mum asked me to go downstairs to take fruits up, I went downstairs to put something back, but I forgot about the fruits. I mean, that's just stupid.
Forgetting things like that in a snap.
It's just for mental problem ppl.
Like me ><
I want my mum to bring me to an MRI scan.. Just to make sure my brain doesnt have any damage on them, cause last year I hit the corner of a table and it bleed but I didn't tell my mum.
I just let it heal. Naturally Its gone.
So maybe side effects are taking place now?..

My dear friend, I'm sorry if I made you sad, but I can't put my sadness any place else, yes I've thought about putting somewhere but other people will see.. And they'll ask, I dont want them to ask about it. If I show them in my pictures, they'll know.
If I put them into words (hard copy) someone will find them and read them.
I don't want that to happen.
I promised I won't hurt myself like hitting a wall, cause I promised him.
I show my expressions through words so I won't show them on my face.
There's not a need to look up at me, don't look up at a girl being in major depression.
Pitying me is no use, cause it happened to me already. So make sure you don't make that mistake on bonding on your first love so much like me. Even if you see that it's true love, the other person might not think the same.
This is a big lesson that can't turn back. Now I'm left as a pathetic girl still loving a person that hates me so much.
He doesn't feel that way cause he's moved on. I kept clinging on that one prayer God answered for me. That one hope. He may not noticed it, but he knows about the conversation we had.
It was my fault to stay back in the old memories. Never moving forward to look at another guy the same anymore.
Like a servant losing a perfect master.
Having no motivation to serve anyone else anymore.

Then I start to recover..
I start to draw again..
Producing more real lifelike drawings cause of my enhanced abilities during my time with him.
My eyes always look for stray cat fur on his clothes and always picks them out clean during break, which he hates.
That training somehow made my eyes to be able to photocopy the exact picture into my drawing.
It's like a freak I know.
I mean, which girlfriend helps their boyfriend to rid his pants of cat fur. XD
It's just weird of me yea. Even he says so <3
But that was a long time ago.
Then he started wearing cleaner pants.

Oh well, looks like the jobs cut out for me. ^^

Now. My mother threatens me to stop drawing or else next convention I might not be able to go cause of the lack of my books I do.
She never understood my situation anyway.. My misery and my lack of motivation. I never told her. I never told anyone about it. Because it was the reason that's keeping me back.
They were the ones who took him away from my heart... They ruined him through the sadness they channel through me.. In short, I ruined him unintentionally...
That's why after that, I never told him of my house problems..
Never knew all those bad things happening...
Never knew why..
And just assume I was a weird girl.
That's fine with me, as long as he doesn't find out, its fine..

It wasn't then until my friend, is constantly talking about suicide.
His friend got fed up with him. And threw him in my arms. And told me to help him. I understand his situation completely. The bullyings and those fake confessions. I understand it all, it wasn't hard at all to understand.
Because I know the feeling 10 times worse.
I encouraged him. To live for a better tomorrow, and encouraged him to live a better life without negative thoughts.
And saving him from his depression.
It's just natural that he's outmostly grateful for what I've done for him.
It's personal information for now. XP

I saved a person from thinking negative thoughts all the time.
And kept saying that negative things attract good things for him.
I wanted to just slap him and say snap out of it, its not the negative things that attracts good stuff. It's the positive stuff and to start attracting good things is to start by changing yourself.


I'm such a bad person.
Helping others.
But not helping myself at all.
My mum calls me a hypocrite.
I call myself pathetic, depressed, being.
I feel so weird now..
Sometimes I just act dumb and just stare into space at home.
Dumb people needn't so much stress.
They just be dumb ^^

Couldn't live without.

Ever since the day you left.
I knew I wasn't gonna survive without hearing the piano play.
I just knew.
I knew I have to either live to learn it.
Or die without learning.
I know, my heart will miss those beautiful notes you played, I know I can't live without it. I need to survive by myself.
I need to help myself to let my heart live on with it.
So I learned to play piano by myself.
To replace the big loss I had when you were gone.
Though I may not be as good as your angelic hands sweeping across the keys.
But I'd be better off imagining you were playing and I'm just listening like the good old times. <3

I may be a dummy to do it for the sake of replacing those missing keys and memories.
But I'm not silly enough to die without learning.