The Fear...

It's been a solid month that my new boyfriend and I have been together. 

I love him a lot and he loves me too.

It's been a long while, that I haven't felt this way to any guy that I have ever dated. 

I know I shouldn't feel this way.

Because I'm his only bestfriend and girlfriend in his entire world. 

But I fear that I will lose him.

I fear that I will lose him as I once did to my first ex. 

I fear that I will plunge into that depression state once again.. For another God knows how long it will be.

When I'm with him, I feel that nothing can break us apart. 

Nothing in this world can seperate me from him.

The things that I have done in the past for my first boyfriend. 

He returns the favour with twice the love.

I feel that there is a churning monster just waiting to break out from me. 

Making me sick to my guts.

And it's telling me to fear that one day, when I will lose him. 

I know I won't lose him that easily.

But there's a small voice at the back of my mind that wouldn't shut up.

When I'm not with him. 

I feel that I'm threatened.

I feel nervous.. Worried... And tensed.

I feel like I can die from the sick churning inside of me if I don't call him. 

Or talk to him.

He doesn't know I feel this way.

I don't know if I should tell him this, I don't want to freak him out. 

He's really young, I shouldn't ruin his purity and innocence. 

I love him so much, I'm so afraid of losing him again...

At times, I do my best to ignore my phone and ignore the messages until night just to refrain myself from texting him like an overly attached girlfriend. 

I don't blame him if I freak him out.

Because I know I'm a freak.

And he's my nerdy freak.

He's my everything now.

I can't believe myself how paranoid I was back then.

Thinking everything is possible for my parents to find out about my big secret.

I did my best to hide everything..

I did my best to not show it...

I did my best to not feel it...

He's.. He's my precious secret..

So precious... 

My heart would really break if he's taken away from me..

I'd might even die from the sadness...

I've always wanted someone with your name on it.. 

Your everything I can ever ask for. 

Falling in love

Being able to fall in love all over again.

Was something I never thought about ever since four years ago.

Of all the boys I dated throughout those years, I tried to love them back, but it was all in vain. I tried and tried. But I couldn't fall in love with them. 

Then came this boy.. So pure and innocent. 

He was just so perfect. 

Just like him. He reminds me so much of him that it hurts. 

But this hurt is the ache of love.

I couldn't believe I can feel this ache ever since the last four years.

But I can feel it so bad.

My heart aches so much when I am with him because my heart is overflowing from love for him. 

I have lost the ability to write about love ever since four years ago. 

But now, it's a different passion.

He loves to read, knows how to write, does sports, play chess, keeps pets and loves cats and he's so smart. How sexy is that? <3 

He's my bestfriend and boyfriend.

What else can I ask for?

What did I ever do to deserve him? 

I love him so much. 

I never want to leave him. 

You may call me foolish. 

But I know what I want. 

He is what I want, and no one will take him away from me.