The Fear...

It's been a solid month that my new boyfriend and I have been together. 

I love him a lot and he loves me too.

It's been a long while, that I haven't felt this way to any guy that I have ever dated. 

I know I shouldn't feel this way.

Because I'm his only bestfriend and girlfriend in his entire world. 

But I fear that I will lose him.

I fear that I will lose him as I once did to my first ex. 

I fear that I will plunge into that depression state once again.. For another God knows how long it will be.

When I'm with him, I feel that nothing can break us apart. 

Nothing in this world can seperate me from him.

The things that I have done in the past for my first boyfriend. 

He returns the favour with twice the love.

I feel that there is a churning monster just waiting to break out from me. 

Making me sick to my guts.

And it's telling me to fear that one day, when I will lose him. 

I know I won't lose him that easily.

But there's a small voice at the back of my mind that wouldn't shut up.

When I'm not with him. 

I feel that I'm threatened.

I feel nervous.. Worried... And tensed.

I feel like I can die from the sick churning inside of me if I don't call him. 

Or talk to him.

He doesn't know I feel this way.

I don't know if I should tell him this, I don't want to freak him out. 

He's really young, I shouldn't ruin his purity and innocence. 

I love him so much, I'm so afraid of losing him again...

At times, I do my best to ignore my phone and ignore the messages until night just to refrain myself from texting him like an overly attached girlfriend. 

I don't blame him if I freak him out.

Because I know I'm a freak.

And he's my nerdy freak.

He's my everything now.

I can't believe myself how paranoid I was back then.

Thinking everything is possible for my parents to find out about my big secret.

I did my best to hide everything..

I did my best to not show it...

I did my best to not feel it...

He's.. He's my precious secret..

So precious... 

My heart would really break if he's taken away from me..

I'd might even die from the sadness...

I've always wanted someone with your name on it.. 

Your everything I can ever ask for. 

Falling in love

Being able to fall in love all over again.

Was something I never thought about ever since four years ago.

Of all the boys I dated throughout those years, I tried to love them back, but it was all in vain. I tried and tried. But I couldn't fall in love with them. 

Then came this boy.. So pure and innocent. 

He was just so perfect. 

Just like him. He reminds me so much of him that it hurts. 

But this hurt is the ache of love.

I couldn't believe I can feel this ache ever since the last four years.

But I can feel it so bad.

My heart aches so much when I am with him because my heart is overflowing from love for him. 

I have lost the ability to write about love ever since four years ago. 

But now, it's a different passion.

He loves to read, knows how to write, does sports, play chess, keeps pets and loves cats and he's so smart. How sexy is that? <3 

He's my bestfriend and boyfriend.

What else can I ask for?

What did I ever do to deserve him? 

I love him so much. 

I never want to leave him. 

You may call me foolish. 

But I know what I want. 

He is what I want, and no one will take him away from me. 

Finally found someone to love <3

It's been 4 long years..

I was so weary and tired of ever finding my ability to ever love again.

Until he turned up <3 

So innocent and pure.

All for me. 

I'm feeling so selfish right now.

I want to keep him all to myself.

He's so cute with such gentle eyes.

My heart melts at his sight.

My skin tingles so much as he entwine his fingers through mine.

Oh.. This feeling... I never thought I can ever feel the same again even I have dated so many others. 

True love is still out there for those who haven't find it yet. 

Being an artist or a vet?

Being an artist is not easy

Especially if it is going to be your job 

It is difficult for some reputable company to be able to find you unless you show yourself and be able to stand out from others..

For this you will need tremendous luck.

Or even fame to start off. 

Being an artist won't pay you much unless you are famous from the start..

Being an artist nowadays is very competitive especially when artists are popping out of nowhere everywhere.

Almost everybody is doing arts..

Or some form of arts.

It's going to be difficult if you are not best of the best..

I wish I could take arts..

Since little my dream was to be able to draw and be an artist 24/7.

Soon the dream was shattered when my parents asks me to take on a stable job instead of a free lance artist..

I know I will do well in art..

A few people I know in reputable companies want me..

But unfortunately I'm not taking Arts..

I'm taking a science course..

Which is what my parents want...

My initial path was to go to Japan..

But now..

The path have diverted to England..

Sad ain't it?

I feel kinda sad myself.

I know I won't do much arts in science course..

Eventhough my mum kept saying I could draw as a hobby even though I take up vet sciences..

All that, I know, is bullshit.

Because a friend of mine doesn't even have time to sleep..

I know, what she said was fake...

But I know she would be dissapointed in me if I didn't go to sciences..

Perhaps I should go and stay in a forest with the tigers and have a tiger cub of my own..

And study forestry..

I hate this so much..

I hate those exams..

I hate those liars..

I hate it I hate it I hate it..

I even found myself a job by being an artist to draw for a colouring book for a church...

And my mum doesn't even know about it. 

Foolish words

You spoke to me as if I was a stupid little girl that had just came of age.

You spoke to me as if I was a crazy, naive little girl who is really horny and can't wait to sleep with guys in college. 

You spoke to me as if I was foolish enough to get pregnant and abandon all my studies. 

You spoke to me as if I was irresponsible enough to come back and show my face to you if I ever got pregnant without getting married yet. 

You spoke to me as if I was still your baby girl 15 years ago.

You think I never grew up? 

I was not the once stupid girl who got caught falling in love with someone I shouldn't have. 

You looked at me as if you were talking to a rebellious child who brought difficult problems upon the family. 

I do envy the others who have such immense love for their parents...

Because I have never felt that way...

You have two different faces until it's so difficult to talk to you. In a blink you can turn from loving to terrifying. 

I hate you for that. 

Because I can never really predict when you can be like that.

I wished you change. And call me by my name instead of "baby".

You scolded me when I told you to change. 

It's alright, I'll be gone soon and I won't be hearing that from your mouth anymore. 

Just because there are foolish teenagers out there doing stupid things, doesn't mean I am gullible enough to do what they are doing. 

Ridiculous guy.

So only until yesterday you start to see me the first time of the year only you send me the message??? 

Was it because my outlook appeal to you? 

Or because you know how I would calmly react to this? 

Screw you. 

Did it really took you TWO YEARS to realize all the while you were HURTING ME??? 

No wait. You DID REALIZE it but you just didn't want to talk to me. 

I don't know what made you do that or what. 

All I can see with my own eyes is that you DELIBERATELY AVOIDED me. 

So you actually knew I was hurt but you didn't want to have anything to do with me. You remembered but never bothered. I'm just so sick of it already. 

Great. 

So now I'm going to ignore that message and reply some other day. 

I was the girl whom you hurt so much but could give that whole hearted smile to you. Is it because of that you avoided my eye contact? 

You coward. You can't even ask me a question properly without asking your sister to do so for you.

But I'm glad you improved and now had the balls to do so. 

But seriously. This ain't working out. 

Knowing your despicable character for 2 years. I'm outta here. Now I can't imagine living with you forever. 

I really do hope you'll improve in the future. 

Now I had the reply I have waited for more than two years..

My wasted youth all for you. Just gone.

I'm so glad I wished up and improve on everything. I learned tons of things. 

And I was the better girl that you met. 

Thanks for sort of making me do all this. 

I even cosplay now. And I'm in the Chinese News for my art. 

These things I would never had achieved because you didn't supported me in this. 

I know you realized that now, cause your best friends are having a crush on me. 

Oh the irony.

I never intended it to turn out like this. But I can't help improving myself. 

P.S you were my regrets. I'm glad you finally said sorry for the things that you had done. Now I can move on. <3