Pierced joys..

I hate it when my days of fun is at stake.
Not that kind of fun you think it is.
it's the fun when you get to go to a party.
when your parents said yes and you can go for it.


I'm always depressed the days before the party comes.
The party is at stake.
And my mum......
Threatens to call it all off.
And forces me to say no.
And lie....
There was a few times....
I had to lie to them...
Threats are always made.
Everyday I reminded myself.
To shut my mouth about the party.
And divert it else where.
I can't talk about it until that day comes.
I can't talk about who we are going to meet.
What we are gonna do and play..
For quite a few times, I avoided telling my mum that 16++ boys will attend.
In case she won't let me go...
Or when that particular guy is there and she doesn't know who they are.
My friends would pity me..
That I don't go wherever I want.
Well....
I think my mum does that all to discipline me..
It's all a training.
On my self control.
There are times when I'm just very very very very sad.
I cheer myself up by thinking that some people else where is having a worse problem than I have.
And I would try to handle it.

I can never ever ever ever ever tell my mum what my true feelings are...
Because.... She would judge and assume my decisions are always foolish.
If I would just tell her something, she would say, so?. If you were in my position... In my life.... You would understand a lot... On how that one word can never fail to destroy my self control on all my thoughts.
If you have my mind... You would understand better... The strain to hold your thoughts back, the years and years and years of locking them up, keeping them to myself, the strain, the control, the bad memories.
You wouldn't understand..
How sad I am inside..

What I always wanted was a mum that could understand I'm a lady, and not a reckless kid....
I'm a lady that can make my own choices.
My own judgement.
And have my own life...
She misunderstood me when I told her she doesn't encourage me...
My dad shouted at me for that later after I told my mum about that...
I can't even talk to them properly.
I think God made me in this purpose.
That no one and only me can survive in my parents life.
I think God knew I can survive this, in their life, in the absence of understanding parents.
God instilled inside me the power to hold myself together, and the glue was happiness from others.


You may think I have a serious Problem here. Secretly, I sometimes think I do. But sometimes, god gave me the problems so I can get stronger than normal people can, that's what I think too.

I hope I can help the church for a Christmas play next Thursday, I'm in charge of a group of adults :P
A threat was given just now to me for that.
That I should ask her permission before I help other people at stuff.
I seriously wish I can tell her I put God's chances to help in priority.
But I don't think that would help in my case. She wouldn't hear of that bull..

Since when do we need to ask permission before helping others?

Lost people

I've been on YouTube recently.
And started using my account to comment on the videos.
I left a few comments about God and His Creation.
And the replies are devastating.
I can not believe how these people can still live on their lives without God.
The curse and condemn about God's Creation and says that Creation is as ridiculous as Evolution.
Says that Christian is garbage and some strives to destroy our religion.
There are scary humans out there.
The replies may come from the minion devils themselves.
Because devils can be humans too.
The evil ones which will always hate and condemn about God's words.
It's so scary.
God oh God.
There are so many people who don't believe.
And they are civilised people.
Are they devils in disguise or just lost souls wandering upon the earth..
No wonder we need God's word to guard our hearts against the evil beings.

FAITH, TRUST, GOD.
<3