A new year <3

A year is gonna end soon.
I'm still doing the same old stuff.
Staying home, locked up, doing work, alone.
Not everybody does that.
Most of them are probably strutting around malls and drinking beer and waiting for countdown.
No I don't do that.
I've been doing the same things all my life.
Nobody is trying to change that of Me.
If that somebody is here.
I'm alone.
At least I have Facebook. (:

There are four situations which I want to happen today.
But no it's not gonna happen.

If I was in Russia.
I'll find my best buddy. Drag him out into the cold winter. We'll have fun together all day long. I'll go sightseeing with him. Go at a bar and just hang out, waiting for countdown, admiring the fireworks, and just forget about reality. Just the two of us.
But it's not gonna happen.

If I was with my best friend.
I would dress her up and bring her to a bar and have fun dancing together. We would go window shopping all day long, we would go to anime shops and just laugh at their ridiculous stocks.We'll hang around and talk a lot about things that happened to us throughtout the year. We would cosplay at night as Kagamine twins and go to KL for an amazing countdown. Taking pictures. Just the two of us.
But that's not gonna happen.

If I was with my real boyfriend.
I would call him in the morning. Wish him a really nice day, and appear on his doorstep ready to spend the while day with him, I'll call his workplace and tell his boss he won't be coming today. I'll walk with him in the mall, just laughing and talking, eating lunch and being funny, taking special moments together. And wait for night to fall. And then we go to a bar and dance together and have fun. We'll wait for countdown together, and we'll hug and kiss under the fireworks. Takes a picture*. Just the two of us.
But that's not gonna happen.

If I was gonna spend the last day of the year now with my ex.
I'd say, " no, i'm spending the whole day with someone who actually loves me back, and I'm busy making chocolates for him today, so have a happy new year with someone else that does the same to you.
Bye"
This is happening. (;

A week

It's just a week before school starts.
When did the holidays go to?
And Christmas??
A year gone.
I just realized someone just pressed the fast forward button.
I've wasted a year.
It's like I'm still 16...

Dreams

I have this most awesome dream ever :D

I was dreaming about Jonathan XD
Again.
Not all my dreams are about him mind you :O some were fun and exciting XD and some were horror dreams and killing.
But forget about that.

I'm not sure whether this is lucid dreaming.
But I felt him in my dream.
I held his arm to sleep.
It was literally warm.
I can feel his very skin.
His warmth.
His muscles.
It was so soothing.
And very gentle and peaceful.
I melted to sleep for hours later after that.
I couldn't forget it.
Cause it seemed so real.
Like he was there.

Maybe, it was just my guardian angel.
That feels like him.
But it's a really nice dream.
I'm never forgetting that anytime soon.
<3

News.

Everyday.
In every part of the world.
There's more than a thousand people dying.
Some from uncertain reasons.
Some from suicide.
Some from being starved.
Some from being killed. Shot. Burned.
There it is on the news.
Everyday. Everytime I read the papers.
Some one was robbed.
Someone was shot.
Someone was stabbed.
Someone was raped.
Someone had suicide.
They are all dying.
Some are innocent.
There is bloodshed everyday. No doubt.
They kill.
Without mercy.
For themselves to have a better life living on someone else's money.
it's devastating how sinful the human rave has become.
It's just sad...
Where did the superheroes go?
The good ones that saves, where are they? /:

Live for tomorrow.
Live for God.
Faith. Trust. Goodness. Righteous. Justice
I like the good guys.
They always live :)

A new month.

Well, it's December.
It came without me realizing it..
Many good and neutral and bad things happened.
I'm glad good and neutral was better than bad. :)
The good things are parties and a really good book I recently bought <3
I went to two of my friends birthday parties :D it was so fun and both of them I get to eat a lot of things XD
Australian beef..... x3
Pastries and peach cobble XD
And strawberry salad XD
It's awesome food is awesome.
Now the book is a really good chocolate book written by a British award winning chocolate chef XD
It's a really awesome book.
I can never get to read another Harry potter book again until next next year XD

The neutral things are....
Hmm....
I get to finish my works and the works entrusted to me by others.
I got to do the Christmas project for Jonathan's church :D
But I guess he has no idea that's me who did the main prop. /:
Oh well, and I get to do an advertisement for Bumblebee music centre.
It required me a half day.
And I didn't take any breaks in between the computer. :(
I'm glad I finished it in the end. :)
Maybe imma going to get paid ^^
I don't expect that but yea, my mum won't be happy to hear I'm not being paid to do that and I'm helping them to earn thousands.

Bad things are the usual stuff.
Best not talk about them since many good things have happened :D
Especially Jonathan.
Not losing faith was the best choice afterall. :)

I'm experimenting on chocolate flavours during Christmas.
And expending my choice of tastes.
So my customers has more choices.
More choices means more sales.
More sales means more to charity :)

I have a feeling that it's gonna be an awesome Christmas. <3

Pierced joys..

I hate it when my days of fun is at stake.
Not that kind of fun you think it is.
it's the fun when you get to go to a party.
when your parents said yes and you can go for it.


I'm always depressed the days before the party comes.
The party is at stake.
And my mum......
Threatens to call it all off.
And forces me to say no.
And lie....
There was a few times....
I had to lie to them...
Threats are always made.
Everyday I reminded myself.
To shut my mouth about the party.
And divert it else where.
I can't talk about it until that day comes.
I can't talk about who we are going to meet.
What we are gonna do and play..
For quite a few times, I avoided telling my mum that 16++ boys will attend.
In case she won't let me go...
Or when that particular guy is there and she doesn't know who they are.
My friends would pity me..
That I don't go wherever I want.
Well....
I think my mum does that all to discipline me..
It's all a training.
On my self control.
There are times when I'm just very very very very sad.
I cheer myself up by thinking that some people else where is having a worse problem than I have.
And I would try to handle it.

I can never ever ever ever ever tell my mum what my true feelings are...
Because.... She would judge and assume my decisions are always foolish.
If I would just tell her something, she would say, so?. If you were in my position... In my life.... You would understand a lot... On how that one word can never fail to destroy my self control on all my thoughts.
If you have my mind... You would understand better... The strain to hold your thoughts back, the years and years and years of locking them up, keeping them to myself, the strain, the control, the bad memories.
You wouldn't understand..
How sad I am inside..

What I always wanted was a mum that could understand I'm a lady, and not a reckless kid....
I'm a lady that can make my own choices.
My own judgement.
And have my own life...
She misunderstood me when I told her she doesn't encourage me...
My dad shouted at me for that later after I told my mum about that...
I can't even talk to them properly.
I think God made me in this purpose.
That no one and only me can survive in my parents life.
I think God knew I can survive this, in their life, in the absence of understanding parents.
God instilled inside me the power to hold myself together, and the glue was happiness from others.


You may think I have a serious Problem here. Secretly, I sometimes think I do. But sometimes, god gave me the problems so I can get stronger than normal people can, that's what I think too.

I hope I can help the church for a Christmas play next Thursday, I'm in charge of a group of adults :P
A threat was given just now to me for that.
That I should ask her permission before I help other people at stuff.
I seriously wish I can tell her I put God's chances to help in priority.
But I don't think that would help in my case. She wouldn't hear of that bull..

Since when do we need to ask permission before helping others?

Lost people

I've been on YouTube recently.
And started using my account to comment on the videos.
I left a few comments about God and His Creation.
And the replies are devastating.
I can not believe how these people can still live on their lives without God.
The curse and condemn about God's Creation and says that Creation is as ridiculous as Evolution.
Says that Christian is garbage and some strives to destroy our religion.
There are scary humans out there.
The replies may come from the minion devils themselves.
Because devils can be humans too.
The evil ones which will always hate and condemn about God's words.
It's so scary.
God oh God.
There are so many people who don't believe.
And they are civilised people.
Are they devils in disguise or just lost souls wandering upon the earth..
No wonder we need God's word to guard our hearts against the evil beings.

FAITH, TRUST, GOD.
<3