Pierced joys..

I hate it when my days of fun is at stake.
Not that kind of fun you think it is.
it's the fun when you get to go to a party.
when your parents said yes and you can go for it.


I'm always depressed the days before the party comes.
The party is at stake.
And my mum......
Threatens to call it all off.
And forces me to say no.
And lie....
There was a few times....
I had to lie to them...
Threats are always made.
Everyday I reminded myself.
To shut my mouth about the party.
And divert it else where.
I can't talk about it until that day comes.
I can't talk about who we are going to meet.
What we are gonna do and play..
For quite a few times, I avoided telling my mum that 16++ boys will attend.
In case she won't let me go...
Or when that particular guy is there and she doesn't know who they are.
My friends would pity me..
That I don't go wherever I want.
Well....
I think my mum does that all to discipline me..
It's all a training.
On my self control.
There are times when I'm just very very very very sad.
I cheer myself up by thinking that some people else where is having a worse problem than I have.
And I would try to handle it.

I can never ever ever ever ever tell my mum what my true feelings are...
Because.... She would judge and assume my decisions are always foolish.
If I would just tell her something, she would say, so?. If you were in my position... In my life.... You would understand a lot... On how that one word can never fail to destroy my self control on all my thoughts.
If you have my mind... You would understand better... The strain to hold your thoughts back, the years and years and years of locking them up, keeping them to myself, the strain, the control, the bad memories.
You wouldn't understand..
How sad I am inside..

What I always wanted was a mum that could understand I'm a lady, and not a reckless kid....
I'm a lady that can make my own choices.
My own judgement.
And have my own life...
She misunderstood me when I told her she doesn't encourage me...
My dad shouted at me for that later after I told my mum about that...
I can't even talk to them properly.
I think God made me in this purpose.
That no one and only me can survive in my parents life.
I think God knew I can survive this, in their life, in the absence of understanding parents.
God instilled inside me the power to hold myself together, and the glue was happiness from others.


You may think I have a serious Problem here. Secretly, I sometimes think I do. But sometimes, god gave me the problems so I can get stronger than normal people can, that's what I think too.

I hope I can help the church for a Christmas play next Thursday, I'm in charge of a group of adults :P
A threat was given just now to me for that.
That I should ask her permission before I help other people at stuff.
I seriously wish I can tell her I put God's chances to help in priority.
But I don't think that would help in my case. She wouldn't hear of that bull..

Since when do we need to ask permission before helping others?

Lost people

I've been on YouTube recently.
And started using my account to comment on the videos.
I left a few comments about God and His Creation.
And the replies are devastating.
I can not believe how these people can still live on their lives without God.
The curse and condemn about God's Creation and says that Creation is as ridiculous as Evolution.
Says that Christian is garbage and some strives to destroy our religion.
There are scary humans out there.
The replies may come from the minion devils themselves.
Because devils can be humans too.
The evil ones which will always hate and condemn about God's words.
It's so scary.
God oh God.
There are so many people who don't believe.
And they are civilised people.
Are they devils in disguise or just lost souls wandering upon the earth..
No wonder we need God's word to guard our hearts against the evil beings.

FAITH, TRUST, GOD.
<3

Happiness

Sometimes prayers took a while to fulfill. But mine certainly was always heard.
I finally received Jonathan's fb friend request!!!
It was actually a few weeks ago but I'm still happy as though it happened yesterday. X3
I'm so so so happy!!!
It was a morning which I discovered.
I didn't reply immediately.
I didn't want to know whether it's a prank or not by hackers.
I waited till afternoon.
He didn't say anything ><
So I accepted!!
No I'm not angry at Jonathan.
I'm happy that he made me as a friend again.
I forgave him ^^
Actually I forgive him everyday...
But oh well :3
Thank you god for always fulfilling my prayers.
Even it took quite a while. XP

I'm a Miss now :3

I'm so happy today :)
I love Fridays :)
Fridays means art classes XD
And art classes means art XP
I have like three days of art.
Friday Saturday and Sunday.
I'm so happy why?
I'm given a class of my own to teach X3
And it's official!!!
I love teaching kids :)
Anything but maths and English.
But art is the easiest to teach :D
Cause I use just about anything that pops in my head as the subject for today XP
I'm such a last minute person DX
But in a good way XO
Today after sports.
I used 15 minutes to cut a papercraft.
It's a pixie and a fairy boy dancing together :)
It's my first papercut, and it came out better than I thought it would be XDD
But I gave that away :3
Then I didn't sit for five minutes after sports.
So technically I was teaching instead of learning :DD XD
And standing for more than 2 hours...
I can't believe the smaller kids have never done snowflake cuttings OAO
It's like the simplest art craft DX
But I taught them anyways, I gave the senior people more advanced things to cut.
At the end of the day they love their snow flakes XD

But I'm happy they love what I taught them :) at least they are grateful.
Unlike some people.
Not that I like bragging.
But it's just one thing I'm good at. (:
And I'm glad the teacher trusts me so much :D
It feels good to have a teacher trusting you a lot.
And leave responsibilities for you.
And trusts you to finish it.
I won't let her down.
By the end of the year, they'll do some fantastic art and crafts <3

A week passed

Its been a week.
I'm glad I didn't plunge into depression again.
But I'm still thinking about him.
And still regretting..
And still keeping his promises which he doesn't know of.
I'm glad he's happy now :)
He's happily in college.
With good friends.
And good angels to watch over him for me :3

It has gone

Today I felt a change.
Really a change.
I realised, my depression has ended.
I can do everything normally now I hope.
I hope it will be totally gone.
It's really a change.
I must not lose this change.
Or I'll be in depression again.
Don't come back.

Second day of convention

Last night a kid stayed up really late crying for her family.
She's really homesick.
She wanted to call her mum to pick her back home.
She wants to go to out teachers room to tell her that. But she's afraid.
I wish I could really tell her to grow up, you can't stick to your momma always.
But no, I stick by her till late midnight and tell her.
It's going to end soon everything is going to end really soon, just hold out a bit longer. Your friends are here and they need you.
I repeat this sentence.
And pat her till she went to sleep.
I was never like this.
I never cried when I first left my home. Cause my mum was very strict. Very very strict.
I almost never cried when I'm in my childhood.
I was never a crybaby.
Even when I was alone and I fell down. I always pick myself up and dust off the dirt and walk on.
No one was there and I never cried.
I was a weird child.
My parents had no problems with me. Cause I don't make fusses.
I grew up learning to live by myself.
With the continuing words from my parents.
Those words are harsh.
Never comforting.
If you would hear them you would be scared.
I never make sobbing sounds when I cry. Even in public.
But I can't stop tears coming.
They just flow.
But I'm very silent.
When I cry.
It seems almost weird to you.
That's how I am.
I'm sorry I never cried when you are here even once Jonathan.
You couldn't see me cry like a girl.
I'm sorry. I never seem to give you a chance to comfort me.
I'm sorry.
I miss you so much everyday