The day before convention

It was a really stressful day.
I'm having some self reflection.
Packing for the day.
I am controlling my thoughts, so I wouldn't give myself excuses I could lose to them.
Just because that other people have training everyday doesn't mean I can't beat them too.
Just because they have piano classes doesn't mean I can't play as well as they do.
Just because they are good doesn't mean I can't be better than them.
I tell this to myself so that I won't make excuses to myself when I lose.
I tell myself.
If I don't win this it's okay. Because I could win in others.
But if I don't get medals back.
I'll have a hard time.
I scare myself mentally so I can do well in convention.
Don't blame me if I sound weird to you.
I was brought up this way.
I prayed before I sleep.
I pray for a miracle to happen.

This reminded me of last years convention.
It's just that you weren't here.
It's okay. I pretend that you are. Just that you are sleeping in the dorms that's all.
I still remember those days clearly.
I miss you.

Sports day! Whee~

Today was sports day.
It was a really awesome day.
Until one of my friend got the first gold for running 100meter and I got second.
For the rest of the day I couldn't win her in anything and she's younger than me. I only got 2 silvers and a bronze.
Which is so depressing.
To me.
But my house was so happy.
And I was happy for them that they could get gold in their relay.
Jonathan was there today at sports day.
I caught him catching my glance twice.
But I know it is nothing.
It just hurts.
I saw my dad glaring at him like he's a terrorist. I was so unhappy.
I felt so sad. But I'm happy at the same time that he's here, watching us.
Thank god I'm the captain for green team.
I led the green house to second place!!
Better than last year which is third, under jonathan's leading.
Thank god we won second.
I could show him I could be better In leading than he did.
I'm happy we got second.
But we were ONE POINT away from blue. But I AM HAPPY!
I made a impression of a memory to him today. And I'm happy I did.
He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
Like I said before when I was with him.
"just by seeing your back, I'm happy"
I think he forgot. But no matter.
I was sad I couldn't win gold today.
My friend in red house did but her house got third BOOYAH IN YOUR FACE!!
But I still like him.
But his friend, was much kinder..
Thank god for him..
:') I'm happy I have such friends.
I never really had normal friends.
Till I came to CBC.
normal seems so big to me.
Another him came today.
Just to see his friends and me.
I feel kinda sorry for him.
He loves me plenty plenty.
But I don't feel anything for him.
I know I should be, but I can't feel that thing I had when I was with jonathan.
I think...
I lost it...
I can't feel the emotions of true love....
I lost it on the way of my reformation..
I really think I did...
I think, cause my system told me I would be just the way I was, happy by just being able to see him and able to live through the days till I see him again, never needing to talk, but still will love him.
I don't think he ever loved me who I am inside in the first place...
He never liked me being independent.
nor being stronger than him and having visible biceps. He doesn't like that.
I don't blame him.
I tried to change for him.
Even if they say never change who you are for the person, if you do they never loved you originally in the first place.
I loved him that's why I changed for him. He doesn't need to love me, he just needa talk to me, any sign of it, I want just a moment of it.
I could live through my life with that sign.
I'm so sorry to the boys who showed their affections to me.
I'm sorry, I can't love anybody for the moment.
I'm sorry to let you waste your time on me and not telling you I'm living on a broken heart with memories.
I feel really bad to the guy that's currently very very very in love with me, I felt really really bad I couldn't love him much much more than I could.
If I had amnesia, I would live on for tomorrow forgetting what I had in the past.
I would get Jonathan's memories. The first meeting, and his existence off my mind. By the means of someone's help in making me forget.
And it's free of charge.
I don't need a forgetting spell.
I just need a hypnotizing therapy.
To forget everything today.
And live on without knowing I had a sweet 16th year.

Sad, broken hearted, really sad, just a tad disappointed, really really sad, on the urge of going crazy and tears, just wishing on the thread of hope, and praying for the chance to happen.
-Me

Nosy ppl should stay not knowing stuff

How I wish people arent so nosy.
It's other people's private information afterall.
Last Saturday was one of my guy friend birthday.
And just because I'm getting his cake ready for him for so many days, my mum asked, "so he is admiring you?"
OH PUH-LEASE. just because I'm getting his birthday party a perfect surprise DOESN'T MEAN HE'S ADMIRING ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!
I HATE IT WHEN MY MUM JUST ASSUMES THAT QUESTION FOR ME TO ANSWER!!!!
he's a year younger than me for god's sake!!! And I'm not interested in him!!! NEVER!!
And she forbids me to do any of these things in the future!!!! WHAT DID I EVER DID WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
just because I wanna give a person my personal touch in the cake I get forbidden =_=
Fffffuuuuukkk.... =3=

On Saturday was sports practice.
She bought a 100plus drink for me.
She said I can only drink it AFTER PRACTICES.
WHAT THE FUK!!!!!
YOIR SUPPOSE TO DRINK IT DURING SPORTS SO WE DON'T GET TIRED!!!!! I need it during the practice and she threatens that she won't buy anymore for me if I drink it now.
SHE MAKES ME SO UUUUUGGGHH!!!!!!!!!
I'm angry, sad, frustrated, pissed, feeling hot and blood rushing, and memories flash and then boom.
I just clench and unclench my fist and walk off. Feeling on the urge to spill angry tears.
I ran not so well after that, cause my mouth tasted funny and my stomach weird. I need that drink!!!
After one race I walked back unsteadily, just planning to drink it before I get sick in the stadium and risking all future treats....
She asked whether practices are over I just lied to her it's finished and thankfully gulp down the beverage...
I didn't ran anymore. Cause my stomach felt uncomfortable...
All her fault...
She just smirk when I walked away.
I hate it a lot.
But. I. Will. Tolerate.
For god's sake.
And then when we were walking back.
My mum asked whether one of my friend has a boyfriend.
I just said I don't know, cause I don't give info like these to her.
My bro butts in with his stinky mouth and said yes she does and it's XXX.
he just has to say it.
So I just shouted back, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!! THEY BROKE UP LONG AGO!!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NOSY!!!!
JUST STAY NOT KNOWING!!!
She snaps back and glares at me and tells me to watch my mouth.
My week just ended pretty badly so yea....
Dealing with these questions.

It's okay..
Cause she doesn't know...
I still love him.
<3

Forget

My sadness only brings destruction to my own self.
Destroying my future with you.
I can only find a new way.
I have to find one before it's too late to change...
I don't have the strength to eliminate those feelings myself...
I know I can't.
Cause my heart was too attached to you. It was stupid of me not to let go.
My depression is pulling me down.
If I don't get rid of it now, it'll only make me die.
Now I have a chance to erase everything.
Your existence from my memories.
I want to erase my memory of my first meeting with you.
And everything else after that.
My happiness with you.
My memories with you.
Our firsts.
Our dates.
Our tears.
My sadness.
Your anger.
My depression.
Your hatred.
I want to erase all that.
Erase my 16th year memories.
Forget about your birthday.
Forget about getting a Christmas present for you.
Forget about thinking about you on valentines day.
It has been the same everyday.
I could not cease thinking about you.
You don't know how I feel.
You don't need to know my pain.
Cause you don't want to care anymore.
Don't have anything to do with me.
And avoid me.
Like I'm a freak.
I won't wake up.
I don't wanna wake up knowing about you.
I wanna wake up losing my 16th year memories.
So that I could worry about you no more..
I loved you for more than a year.
We didn't last for 8 months.
I had loved you always.
You never noticed.
It's okay.
You never wanted my love anymore.
I want to erase my love for you to the depths of my memories where I will never touch.
I hope it will never resurface again.
Because I could never love you the same.


I prefer to die, than remembering everything when I wake up
Than I would be a total stranger to you if I wake up.

Omgeeee!!

OMG OMG OMG OMGEEEE!!!
Jonathan is driving!!! 8DDD
Well that's not new news cause I know it since last year.
BUT I DIDN'T SEE HIM DRIVE BEFORE!!!! 8DDD and now I did!!
And I was like WHOOOAAAAAA!!! 8D
Kakoi desu!!!!! X3

But oh well...
And reality came crashing...
He's not mine anymore...
He promised he would take me for a drive.
But he has forgotten about it I assume.
He would drive me for a round, if I were his. I knew he would.
But no. He wouldn't now.
He wouldn't...
It's just so sad...
I want a hug.. Just to hug them and just cry... And be depressed and mope..
Just regretting.. Why was I like this...
Why didn't I stop it... Why didn't I do my best to change for him just cause I love him so much...

My depression is as worse as a housewife getting a divorce... :'(

My time alone.

Ever since the day he left me.
I was in a big depression.
A really really big one.
And a long one.
Till now.
I'm still suffering the aftermath of it.
My friends all felt bad for me.
They knew how much I loved him, even when they at first doubted it to be a puppy love. They felt so very sad for me. I felt so bad having them to pity me.
I felt like a pathetic being.
But... It was all about big time depression.
I couldn't stop crying. Luckily it was when I went back home. I walked up to my room calmly without raising any suspicion. My mum fetched me that day. I could praise myself to hold such emotions back till I can shut myself off the world.
I start crying the way Juliet did on her bed. And cried.. And cried...
Till dinner, I realised I can't have red puffy eyes for dinner, I tried to stop.
Yes it worked by me scalding my face with hot water then cold. And it went from red to pink. So it looks natural.
So they won't ask.
For the sake of scolding.

In school I couldn't stand it, my friends kept asking me what happened, I don't blame them for wanting to know what broke us apart. Cause nothing can ever separated us when we were together.
Not even his parents or headmaster.
We were the inseparable couple.
I wanted it to stay that way.
But I guess in some part of the world.
Those people doesn't agree.
I know they don't.
They insult them..
I hate it when they insult.
I'm afraid that God will punish me cause I'm their child.

Time passes on and on.. One month.. Two months... One year..
My depression didn't lessen...
And it's beginning to show on my grades.. I can't tell them the reason...
They'll say I'm stupid for using such an excuse. I don't tell them why..
Maybe my brain just had an enormous breakdown. That is not making my brain functioning properly.
I'm forgetting things within 30 seconds.
When my mum asks me to do two things, I'll always miss either one.
So I always get scolded.
I don't understand why, I forgot about it in a snap. There was once a time when my mum asked me to go downstairs to take fruits up, I went downstairs to put something back, but I forgot about the fruits. I mean, that's just stupid.
Forgetting things like that in a snap.
It's just for mental problem ppl.
Like me ><
I want my mum to bring me to an MRI scan.. Just to make sure my brain doesnt have any damage on them, cause last year I hit the corner of a table and it bleed but I didn't tell my mum.
I just let it heal. Naturally Its gone.
So maybe side effects are taking place now?..

My dear friend, I'm sorry if I made you sad, but I can't put my sadness any place else, yes I've thought about putting somewhere but other people will see.. And they'll ask, I dont want them to ask about it. If I show them in my pictures, they'll know.
If I put them into words (hard copy) someone will find them and read them.
I don't want that to happen.
I promised I won't hurt myself like hitting a wall, cause I promised him.
I show my expressions through words so I won't show them on my face.
There's not a need to look up at me, don't look up at a girl being in major depression.
Pitying me is no use, cause it happened to me already. So make sure you don't make that mistake on bonding on your first love so much like me. Even if you see that it's true love, the other person might not think the same.
This is a big lesson that can't turn back. Now I'm left as a pathetic girl still loving a person that hates me so much.
He doesn't feel that way cause he's moved on. I kept clinging on that one prayer God answered for me. That one hope. He may not noticed it, but he knows about the conversation we had.
It was my fault to stay back in the old memories. Never moving forward to look at another guy the same anymore.
Like a servant losing a perfect master.
Having no motivation to serve anyone else anymore.

Then I start to recover..
I start to draw again..
Producing more real lifelike drawings cause of my enhanced abilities during my time with him.
My eyes always look for stray cat fur on his clothes and always picks them out clean during break, which he hates.
That training somehow made my eyes to be able to photocopy the exact picture into my drawing.
It's like a freak I know.
I mean, which girlfriend helps their boyfriend to rid his pants of cat fur. XD
It's just weird of me yea. Even he says so <3
But that was a long time ago.
Then he started wearing cleaner pants.

Oh well, looks like the jobs cut out for me. ^^

Now. My mother threatens me to stop drawing or else next convention I might not be able to go cause of the lack of my books I do.
She never understood my situation anyway.. My misery and my lack of motivation. I never told her. I never told anyone about it. Because it was the reason that's keeping me back.
They were the ones who took him away from my heart... They ruined him through the sadness they channel through me.. In short, I ruined him unintentionally...
That's why after that, I never told him of my house problems..
Never knew all those bad things happening...
Never knew why..
And just assume I was a weird girl.
That's fine with me, as long as he doesn't find out, its fine..

It wasn't then until my friend, is constantly talking about suicide.
His friend got fed up with him. And threw him in my arms. And told me to help him. I understand his situation completely. The bullyings and those fake confessions. I understand it all, it wasn't hard at all to understand.
Because I know the feeling 10 times worse.
I encouraged him. To live for a better tomorrow, and encouraged him to live a better life without negative thoughts.
And saving him from his depression.
It's just natural that he's outmostly grateful for what I've done for him.
It's personal information for now. XP

I saved a person from thinking negative thoughts all the time.
And kept saying that negative things attract good things for him.
I wanted to just slap him and say snap out of it, its not the negative things that attracts good stuff. It's the positive stuff and to start attracting good things is to start by changing yourself.


I'm such a bad person.
Helping others.
But not helping myself at all.
My mum calls me a hypocrite.
I call myself pathetic, depressed, being.
I feel so weird now..
Sometimes I just act dumb and just stare into space at home.
Dumb people needn't so much stress.
They just be dumb ^^

Couldn't live without.

Ever since the day you left.
I knew I wasn't gonna survive without hearing the piano play.
I just knew.
I knew I have to either live to learn it.
Or die without learning.
I know, my heart will miss those beautiful notes you played, I know I can't live without it. I need to survive by myself.
I need to help myself to let my heart live on with it.
So I learned to play piano by myself.
To replace the big loss I had when you were gone.
Though I may not be as good as your angelic hands sweeping across the keys.
But I'd be better off imagining you were playing and I'm just listening like the good old times. <3

I may be a dummy to do it for the sake of replacing those missing keys and memories.
But I'm not silly enough to die without learning.